Well, she is almost three, but she is the most challenging little person I've ever had to deal with on a daily basis. Which isn't saying much, because I never babysat in high school, and was not prone to seek out the company of small children until finally I became pregnant and had my own. Now I love, love, love kids, especially my own, but some days, it is just plain hard.
Kins is my oldest and I must say a pretty good combination of Ken and I's strong-willed, stubbornness. When she came along, I felt unprepared, and then she was pretty easy until she hit about the 18 month mark. Now she is a busy little girl with lots of her own ideas and everyday I feel like it is a battle of the wills.
Why am I just now writing about all if this? Well, sometimes when I write a really good blog about how the Lord is speaking in my life and changing my heart, it is soon followed by a reality check of how most of my days really go. I certainly have amazing good times with the Lord, but I live a life interrupted. I am constantly on demand, to help dress my children, clean up their messes, wipe the little potty-trainer, look at the most recent masterpiece that has been created, and kiss a few boo-boos. None of those things can wait more than about 2 seconds before my three year old starts to melt down.
Although we work hard on training her in patience, it doesn't always mean she catches on right away. So even when I do have a sky high moment of revelation or insight into the heart of God, I still have to come home and change poopy diapers and figure out what to cook for dinner. Life still goes on, it is just enhanced by what the Lord is pouring into me.
So, if you are having great quiet times with the Lord, and having personal revelation on the scriptures but still come home and go thru the motions of life, feeling somehow less spiritual doing it, don't worry. You are not alone in that feeling.
I just try to remember that what the Lord is doing on the inside is bound to show up on the outside at some point. If I am honest, most of the time I wonder if I actually possess any of the fruits of the Spirit, or if they are just a fleeting dream. Plenty of the time I lack patience, self control, gentleness, and joy.
Ugh, it is so hard to keep it in my mind that He sees me all the time, if I kept that in mind, I might do a bit better, maybe...
It goes the other way to though. Sometimes I work really hard to scrub up all the crusty food that is under my one year olds chair. I scrape and scrape, but by bedtime a new layer is already in place and I think to myself, why bother, no one even got to see the results of my hard work. But God saw that too, and so I should be willing to do it again even if no person ever sees it.
Wow, challenging, I know. Even as I write these words I cringe because I hate, hate, hate scraping crusty food off my floors. But if I do it as unto the Lord there is a reward, no matter how 'un-spiritual' I feel as I do it. Loving the Lord is not always a feeling, in fact, most of the time it isn't a feeling, it is obedience to His word.
So even when I am living my everyday life, chasing around my kids, cleaning my house, cooking, and working in the garden, it is pleasing to the Lord. Even the boring things please the Lord because my life is one that I daily surrendered to the Lord, not just the exciting mountain top moments, but all of my life.
The exciting times with the Lord are fun, but I would guess-timate that they are less than 20% of my average day. That doesn't mean the Lord dislikes the way I spend the rest of my time. He loves every part of my day, even my totally average days, and He likes your average days too! Be encouraged, and do all you do as unto the Lord.
And when I do completely blow it and sin in my lack of self control or anger toward my children, then when I repent, the Lord says its as if He never saw my sin. He wipes it away, and I am clean before His eyes once more. So another tip, when you do sin, repent quickly. Makes for a better day in general.