If you would have told me that I would be moving to Texas for only 8 months, I would have told you that you're crazy. The Lord told us about our move to Texas a whole year in advance. I was so sure and so confident in all the confirmations I had received in my heart about living in the Lone Star State. I'm still very confident in them, even as we prepare to move.......again.
What did we come here for? Well, not what we thought we were coming to do, obviously.
So was it a waste?
No, I don't think that anything we do, when we are totally surrendered to the Lord, is a waste. He uses it all to shape us and build us into the people we are suppose to be, if we let Him.
So what have I gained in Texas?
I'm not totally sure, only hindsight is 20/20, it seems.
Today I realized something really beautiful about my time here, though. I loved well here.
When we were preparing to move to Texas, I remember in the season, after I had pulled back from all the ministries that I had been involved with (wow, I make it sound grand, I was involved in like 2-3 ministries, tops), a feeling of wishing to be poured out.
It was a strong sense of waiting, and anticipation. I kept telling the Lord, and asking Him even, to pour me out once we arrived in Texas. Now, in my heart, I was already sure we were staying in Texas for a while. Years, in fact.
So I got here, to Texas, and the Lord slowly, but surely, put me in relationships where I could pour out what I had to offer. You can only pour out what you have already received from the Lord.
What I got is love, and I love to love. So I love people and the way I love them is I give my time, and thoughts and energy and conversation. My realness and creativity, even my humor, although maybe it is not always understood the first time around. :-) I love to give and give, and offer myself.
As I write it, I wonder if that is really that great of a gift, but I think it is. I think it ranks right up there with at least a glass of cold water, ya know.
So I gave, without reserve.
You know how I know, because after only 7 months of being here, as I prepare to say goodbye to the relationships I've built, my heart is aching. Aching with a familiar sense of loss.
I have sown, and given, and loved, and I will not be here much longer, with those people that I have loved well. Not a moment of it do I regret, because the pain of love is a beautiful kind of suffering. It says that I have done well, and lived with my heart open to people.
Some have said in the past that it is a brave thing to live with your heart wide open, and I would have to agree. You welcome a lot of pain living that way, but it is a worthwhile kind of pain.
Maybe something like childbirth? A labor of love and sweat and tears, and at the end, a beautiful life is created. Not just for the child, but for the mother who labored.
So I just want all my Texas friends to know how much I love you, and how I will not forget this time we had together. You have helped me learn a lot about what it means to love, in a whole new way. I feel I am richer for having known you all.
Special shout out to Andrea Sutton, Channell Hague, Beth Harris, Jenny Snow, Laura McDowell, and the RoG Co op of Arlington. You all have made me feel so loved!!!