I have been following hard after the Lord for almost 6 years. People who have known me longer, would say that I have been committed to the Lord longer than that, but I don't really start counting until after I truly decided to lay down all my own desires to press in to the Lord.
It was only about 6 years ago that I, for the first time, became desperate for more and more of Him. Nothing else would do in that season. I had been removed from all that was safe and familiar, and I had nothing else to fall back on. I knew the Lord was real, but for the first time, I really needed Him. Had to have Him! If I was going to survive.
And you know what?
I found Him. Or rather, He found me, and I began the process of giving Him everything. I'm obviously still in that processes, but I am astounded at how much has been accomplished in my heart in 5 years. He is a miracle worker, in more ways than just the obvious.
What the Lord accomplishes in the unseen realm is much more impressive than all the outward miracles. Only He can fully change and transform a heart/motives/desires/personality.
Okay, but that is not where I am going with this.
My point is, five years into this process of transformation, and my heart is so in love with my Creator, that some days I hardly know what to do with myself. Some days, I talk to Him so often, that it is just like talking with a friend all day. Only I ask Him all the hard questions, and press Him for the answers again and again.
He is faithful to answer too, and I can almost hear His fatherly tone sometimes when I hear His voice in my head. The kinds of things He tells me, the kinds of things He shows me, make me feel giddy inside. Not only because the things are awesome in and of themselves, but because the God of the Universe just made some mystery known to me.
He is talking to me.
What a concept.
I always used to hear spiritual people in churches talk about the Lord and they would say He was their friend, but I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know how someone could actually be friends with the God of Creation.
Now I do. Well sort of. I can't explain exactly what it feels like, but He is, and we are, friends.
Yet lately I have been getting frustrated with the way He makes me feel. He talks to me, and I feel His presence. He reveals the meaning of scriptures to me in a personal way and He answers my questions. I see His hand moving in my life, and He provides for my family so faithfully, but I don't know how to respond.
I can feel His love some days burning inside of me like a fire. Sometimes words that He has spoken to my heart burn inside of me, but I don't know what to do with them. Other times, He shows me something in the Spirit, but I don't feel adequate enough to paint the picture or even describe it with words. Then there are times where He gives me revelation on something, but I have no one to tell. No one that would even understand what I am talking about, because there is so much more wrapped up in the idea than could ever be explained.
Does any of this make sense to anyone else?
Am I losing it?
I hope someone can relate. You know who I think I might be able to relate to. Elijah. With that fire shut up in his bones. Yet for me, it is perhaps more like 'firey love' shut up in my bones.
How to get this love out? That is the question.
Where do I put it all? It's more than I know what to do with. Who can I pour it into? Is there even a way to fully express what He is giving to me to give?
I'm not sure, but I love the way He is loving me in this season. There is such a sweetness on my days. I can hardly comprehend what it is all about, but when I lay my head on my pillow at the end of the day, there is a lingering sweetness to it, and I look to the coming day with confidence, that my God is with me.
We are friends.