If you would have told me that I would be moving to Texas for only 8 months, I would have told you that you're crazy. The Lord told us about our move to Texas a whole year in advance. I was so sure and so confident in all the confirmations I had received in my heart about living in the Lone Star State. I'm still very confident in them, even as we prepare to move.......again.
What did we come here for? Well, not what we thought we were coming to do, obviously.
So was it a waste?
No, I don't think that anything we do, when we are totally surrendered to the Lord, is a waste. He uses it all to shape us and build us into the people we are suppose to be, if we let Him.
So what have I gained in Texas?
I'm not totally sure, only hindsight is 20/20, it seems.
Today I realized something really beautiful about my time here, though. I loved well here.
When we were preparing to move to Texas, I remember in the season, after I had pulled back from all the ministries that I had been involved with (wow, I make it sound grand, I was involved in like 2-3 ministries, tops), a feeling of wishing to be poured out.
It was a strong sense of waiting, and anticipation. I kept telling the Lord, and asking Him even, to pour me out once we arrived in Texas. Now, in my heart, I was already sure we were staying in Texas for a while. Years, in fact.
So I got here, to Texas, and the Lord slowly, but surely, put me in relationships where I could pour out what I had to offer. You can only pour out what you have already received from the Lord.
What I got is love, and I love to love. So I love people and the way I love them is I give my time, and thoughts and energy and conversation. My realness and creativity, even my humor, although maybe it is not always understood the first time around. :-) I love to give and give, and offer myself.
As I write it, I wonder if that is really that great of a gift, but I think it is. I think it ranks right up there with at least a glass of cold water, ya know.
So I gave, without reserve.
You know how I know, because after only 7 months of being here, as I prepare to say goodbye to the relationships I've built, my heart is aching. Aching with a familiar sense of loss.
I have sown, and given, and loved, and I will not be here much longer, with those people that I have loved well. Not a moment of it do I regret, because the pain of love is a beautiful kind of suffering. It says that I have done well, and lived with my heart open to people.
Some have said in the past that it is a brave thing to live with your heart wide open, and I would have to agree. You welcome a lot of pain living that way, but it is a worthwhile kind of pain.
Maybe something like childbirth? A labor of love and sweat and tears, and at the end, a beautiful life is created. Not just for the child, but for the mother who labored.
So I just want all my Texas friends to know how much I love you, and how I will not forget this time we had together. You have helped me learn a lot about what it means to love, in a whole new way. I feel I am richer for having known you all.
Special shout out to Andrea Sutton, Channell Hague, Beth Harris, Jenny Snow, Laura McDowell, and the RoG Co op of Arlington. You all have made me feel so loved!!!
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
After Years
After years of denying my creative side and relegating my hobbies to 'useful' crafts, I have come to the uncomfortable and liberating conclusion that I am something like an artist.
I'm sure a number of my friends will read this and say 'duh' and I have had many 'duh' moments in the last 8 months.
An artist.
Gosh, they are just so weird. They are so silly and creative and colorful. Yet I have always been drawn to them. The weirdness, the eccentric, the down to earth, barefoot potter types. I am like a magnet, drawn to them, but always feeling like an outsider.
Until now.
What has changed?
A lot.
Walking in our true identity in Christ is a helpful start. I've been a Christian for years, but I feel like I've only just begun walking in my true identity for the past couple years. It is a journey and a process, to be sure. To believe what the Lord says about you and actually live like you believe Him in all areas of your life. It doesn't happen over night.
It is a gradual shift sometimes and a drastic switch at others. Every step has brought me closer and closer to a new kind of freedom. The freedom to be me.
Knowing who I am in Christ makes me question myself less and just enjoy myself for who I am more.
Not that I am perfect, but that my imperfections and oddities point to a creative Creator who made me unique for a reason. No one else is like me, and so therefore, no one else will fully understand me like He does.
And that is okay. After 30 years, I feel okay with being misunderstood sometimes, because I know I am fully understood by One who loves me infinitely more than any other.
Even as I write that last line, it sounds like such a Christian cliche, but it is so much more beautiful a thing than that. To know you are truly loved for who you are is the most liberating and empowering thing of all time!
The funny thing is though, the more comfortable I have become in my own skin, with my own personality and style, the more I think other people have enjoyed me too. It is not just Christ who enjoys the real me, because the real me is more fun than the cautious, worried, calculating me.
And when I do things because I like them, then even when I get the odd stares in the grocery store or the sympathetic eyes from a random passerby, then I can just smile and know that it doesn't matter what they think. Not really. I like what I am doing and they don't have to understand it or join in. (Understand that I'm talking about benign little things, harmless to other people).
My life is full because I live it fully now. Or at least fuller. There is always room for improvement, but I like where I'm headed.
With these changes and realizations and admissions, that I am, in fact, creative and something of an artist....
See, I still struggle with flat out calling myself an artist.
Anyhow, it means that I do not have to qualify everything I do anymore. Not even to myself.
For example.
I like nose rings. I think they are cool. Why? I don't really know, but after 12-15 years of wanting one and feeling stupid for wanting one, I think I'm almost at the point where I'm going to get one.
Crazy eh?
Yep, maybe. But I like the way they look, and I think I might like it for me. There you have it. So I am wearing a 'practice' nose ring, and seeing if it annoys me. After two days of wearing it I still want one, and when I find the money, I might get me one.
The most freeing thing is that I no longer feel like I have to qualify and explain and defend myself to people, especially those who aren't even attacking me.
Like when people use to tell me I looked nice in a certain outfit. I would always downplay it. I would explain how old the outfit was or how I didn't like such and such about it.
I couldn't believe that they actually might like me, because I was not even comfortable with me. I was so afraid of being rejected, that I was always qualifying my existence.
To look back now I can see what a sickness it was. A lie that I had totally bought into.
The LIE: That I was not as good as other people. That I had very little to offer. That I was not truly creative, only a copy cat. That I was too much for people to handle. If I was too much one thing or another, they would reject me.
But now I am moving toward freedom, and that can be a little crazy sometimes. Freedom is a beautiful, crazy, messy thing, but it is so much more fun than the way I have been living for years.
What fears and lies are holding you back? Dare to believe what the Lord says about you! Truth can always defeat the lie, if we take it and eat it and wear it and believe it!
I'm sure a number of my friends will read this and say 'duh' and I have had many 'duh' moments in the last 8 months.
An artist.
Gosh, they are just so weird. They are so silly and creative and colorful. Yet I have always been drawn to them. The weirdness, the eccentric, the down to earth, barefoot potter types. I am like a magnet, drawn to them, but always feeling like an outsider.
Until now.
What has changed?
A lot.
Walking in our true identity in Christ is a helpful start. I've been a Christian for years, but I feel like I've only just begun walking in my true identity for the past couple years. It is a journey and a process, to be sure. To believe what the Lord says about you and actually live like you believe Him in all areas of your life. It doesn't happen over night.
It is a gradual shift sometimes and a drastic switch at others. Every step has brought me closer and closer to a new kind of freedom. The freedom to be me.
Knowing who I am in Christ makes me question myself less and just enjoy myself for who I am more.
Not that I am perfect, but that my imperfections and oddities point to a creative Creator who made me unique for a reason. No one else is like me, and so therefore, no one else will fully understand me like He does.
And that is okay. After 30 years, I feel okay with being misunderstood sometimes, because I know I am fully understood by One who loves me infinitely more than any other.
Even as I write that last line, it sounds like such a Christian cliche, but it is so much more beautiful a thing than that. To know you are truly loved for who you are is the most liberating and empowering thing of all time!
The funny thing is though, the more comfortable I have become in my own skin, with my own personality and style, the more I think other people have enjoyed me too. It is not just Christ who enjoys the real me, because the real me is more fun than the cautious, worried, calculating me.
And when I do things because I like them, then even when I get the odd stares in the grocery store or the sympathetic eyes from a random passerby, then I can just smile and know that it doesn't matter what they think. Not really. I like what I am doing and they don't have to understand it or join in. (Understand that I'm talking about benign little things, harmless to other people).
My life is full because I live it fully now. Or at least fuller. There is always room for improvement, but I like where I'm headed.
With these changes and realizations and admissions, that I am, in fact, creative and something of an artist....
See, I still struggle with flat out calling myself an artist.
Anyhow, it means that I do not have to qualify everything I do anymore. Not even to myself.
For example.
I like nose rings. I think they are cool. Why? I don't really know, but after 12-15 years of wanting one and feeling stupid for wanting one, I think I'm almost at the point where I'm going to get one.
Crazy eh?
Yep, maybe. But I like the way they look, and I think I might like it for me. There you have it. So I am wearing a 'practice' nose ring, and seeing if it annoys me. After two days of wearing it I still want one, and when I find the money, I might get me one.
The most freeing thing is that I no longer feel like I have to qualify and explain and defend myself to people, especially those who aren't even attacking me.
Like when people use to tell me I looked nice in a certain outfit. I would always downplay it. I would explain how old the outfit was or how I didn't like such and such about it.
I couldn't believe that they actually might like me, because I was not even comfortable with me. I was so afraid of being rejected, that I was always qualifying my existence.
To look back now I can see what a sickness it was. A lie that I had totally bought into.
The LIE: That I was not as good as other people. That I had very little to offer. That I was not truly creative, only a copy cat. That I was too much for people to handle. If I was too much one thing or another, they would reject me.
But now I am moving toward freedom, and that can be a little crazy sometimes. Freedom is a beautiful, crazy, messy thing, but it is so much more fun than the way I have been living for years.
What fears and lies are holding you back? Dare to believe what the Lord says about you! Truth can always defeat the lie, if we take it and eat it and wear it and believe it!
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Making Me Believer pt 6
So I'm still working on my compassion, but the Lord has put me in my first real battle since that last post was written. Yes, yes, I know I just posted "Making Me Believe pt 5" at the end of December, but it has been written since around June. I like to write, then pray, and then when I feel it is ripe, I will post a thing.
Anyhow, so as I was saying, I feel as though I have been given my first real battle. I am thankful for all the training, but in the last six months, I feel as though I have learned nothing. I have been fighting and fighting and seeing almost no progress. The details aren't important, except that when you prepare to make a huge move with your whole family across the country it can stir a lot of things up.
So my first battle. I threw myself into it at full force. I was hopeful, I was energetic, I was prayerful and compassionate (most of the time), and zealous to prove myself strong.
But after the first few weeks of battling this thing, I had seen little to no progress. I was worn out and confused. I began to ask the Lord what I was missing, what I was doing wrong.
That is when He whispered, "You're a good sprinter, but this is an endurance race."
I threw back, "Well then how long am I going to have to fight this thing?"
He patiently posed the question, "What if it takes 6 months to a year to see any fruit for your fighting?"
Ugh. I didn't know what to say. I was honest enough with myself to know that I was not a good endurance runner, but this was an opportunity. A painful and tiring opportunity, and a divine opportunity.
So I said yes, and I have continued to say yes over the last six months of fighting this thing.
What I have learned over these last few months though.....
That when I am out of energy, and throw my hands up in despair, preparing for defeat, that is when some of the best mini-breakthroughs occur! In my weakness, that is when the Lord has come through and shown Himself strong and in control. He has been using other people to do it too!
It has been teaching me the truth about when we are weak, He is strong, and it is okay to ask for help. That is like a 'duh' basic Christianity truth, but I was fighting as if I could do it all by myself.
Yet I am not meant to be fighting this totally on my own. In the Kingdom, we are a family, and I am not self sufficient in all things. I never will be.
I draw strength and council and love from those people the Lord has placed around me.
So many times, in my weakest moments, I have had to turn to someone and share my burden with them. Then they, in turn, have encouraged me and spoken the truth over me. It breaks the despair and renews my strength to be in such company. It has also shown me a lack of trust I have had toward people.
The lie I had believed was that my burdens were too heavy for me, so no one else would want to help me carry them. Yet the Lord asked me, "Would you turn away a friend who needed love and encouragement and council?"
I said a quick "no," because I love to encourage and pray for my friends, but then He turned it back on me.
"So then, what makes you think that none of your friends would be willing to do that for you. Do you really think so little of yourself?"
The lie was two fold.....1) that I couldn't trust people to want to help me.....and 2) that if I just tried hard enough, I could do it on my own and show God how strong I really am.
The truth is that I do sometimes think that I'm not worth my friends time. I worry that if I bring a heavy burden to them, and ask them to help me, that they will be 'put out' by my neediness.
It is just NOT true though. Every time I have ever broken down and asked my friends for help, they have rallied around me like a troupe of feisty momma bears. Speaking love over me and praying passionate lovely prayers for my situations. But I never break down and ask for help until I'm totally desperate. I should NOT wait so long to ask.
Perhaps, if for no other reason, the Lord has allowed this current battle to drag on, to force me to have to reach out and ask for help again, and again, and again. Maybe I will learn it soon.
So recap of current lessons being learned - it takes a whole army to fight a battle, not just a lone ranger. Don't be fooled, we are in the body of Christ because we need one another to function properly.
What I am NOT saying - go find anyone who will listen to your sob story with no intention of going and working on the problems yourself.
I am also NOT saying - find just anyone to tell your burdens to! You MUST seek out mature and trustworthy friends to ask for help. You don't want to call up a friend who is not good at keeping a confidence, or who looks at the world with a negative bent. Those friends will potentially make the situation worse.
The way I decide if people are trustworthy and good encouragers...... I listen to how they talk about other people and situations to me. If they talk hopefully about hard situations others are facing, that is a good sign. If they are gossipy and focused on the negative, they are not a good candidate for my candor. Do they pray often, do they talk about the things of the Lord often.....those are also good signs.
Be encouraged. Help is out there!
That when I am out of energy, and throw my hands up in despair, preparing for defeat, that is when some of the best mini-breakthroughs occur! In my weakness, that is when the Lord has come through and shown Himself strong and in control. He has been using other people to do it too!
It has been teaching me the truth about when we are weak, He is strong, and it is okay to ask for help. That is like a 'duh' basic Christianity truth, but I was fighting as if I could do it all by myself.
Yet I am not meant to be fighting this totally on my own. In the Kingdom, we are a family, and I am not self sufficient in all things. I never will be.
I draw strength and council and love from those people the Lord has placed around me.
So many times, in my weakest moments, I have had to turn to someone and share my burden with them. Then they, in turn, have encouraged me and spoken the truth over me. It breaks the despair and renews my strength to be in such company. It has also shown me a lack of trust I have had toward people.
The lie I had believed was that my burdens were too heavy for me, so no one else would want to help me carry them. Yet the Lord asked me, "Would you turn away a friend who needed love and encouragement and council?"
I said a quick "no," because I love to encourage and pray for my friends, but then He turned it back on me.
"So then, what makes you think that none of your friends would be willing to do that for you. Do you really think so little of yourself?"
The lie was two fold.....1) that I couldn't trust people to want to help me.....and 2) that if I just tried hard enough, I could do it on my own and show God how strong I really am.
The truth is that I do sometimes think that I'm not worth my friends time. I worry that if I bring a heavy burden to them, and ask them to help me, that they will be 'put out' by my neediness.
It is just NOT true though. Every time I have ever broken down and asked my friends for help, they have rallied around me like a troupe of feisty momma bears. Speaking love over me and praying passionate lovely prayers for my situations. But I never break down and ask for help until I'm totally desperate. I should NOT wait so long to ask.
Perhaps, if for no other reason, the Lord has allowed this current battle to drag on, to force me to have to reach out and ask for help again, and again, and again. Maybe I will learn it soon.
So recap of current lessons being learned - it takes a whole army to fight a battle, not just a lone ranger. Don't be fooled, we are in the body of Christ because we need one another to function properly.
What I am NOT saying - go find anyone who will listen to your sob story with no intention of going and working on the problems yourself.
I am also NOT saying - find just anyone to tell your burdens to! You MUST seek out mature and trustworthy friends to ask for help. You don't want to call up a friend who is not good at keeping a confidence, or who looks at the world with a negative bent. Those friends will potentially make the situation worse.
The way I decide if people are trustworthy and good encouragers...... I listen to how they talk about other people and situations to me. If they talk hopefully about hard situations others are facing, that is a good sign. If they are gossipy and focused on the negative, they are not a good candidate for my candor. Do they pray often, do they talk about the things of the Lord often.....those are also good signs.
Be encouraged. Help is out there!
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Day 21- Crafting Bliss
So I didn't think I would have much to say, but alas, today is day two of my break from working on a story. I am thrilled to announce that today I have done more watercolor painting and crochet.
Quilting might be what I have for dessert tonight, just can't decide between that or more crochet.
See, the crochet afghan I'm working on is one I plan to sell. Its nice, with an intricate design, and so I plan to try to sell it on Etsy, along with some of my watercolor paintings as I get better at them.
I can see myself being one of those craft junkies, who sells their own stuff to further supply their crafting habits.
I will sell my afghan so I have more money for beading supplies, yarn, and watercolor paper.
I will sell the watercolors to buy more yarn, beads, and quilt batting.
I will sell my quilt, if I don't decide I love it, so that I can buy more quilt fabrics to finish additional quilts, while splurging on more thread, beads, and felt to embroider.
Oh yeah, you're seeing the cycle, as am I. What a glorious cycle, indeed.
In the midst of this, I can see any extra money going toward random, super fun date nights with my husband! Creativity fueling creativity and matrimonial bliss! What could be better!
That's all I got to say. Just brainstorming some wonderful ideas here and felt inclined to share them.
When my Etsy story is up and running, you can count on me sharing links here on my blog. Wanna support a missionary family?
Buy my Etsy products......once I finish them. :-)
Monday, January 20, 2014
Uh....Day 20
Yes, my fast has continued in my absence from writing. I have been doing very well with it in fact, which tells me the Lord has been highly involved, because I am not naturally good at fasting.
So where have I been?
Writing a book, oddly enough.
Day two of the fast, the Lord gave me a dream and I started writing it down and it turned into a story which has turned into a 170 page book.
In two weeks I have written it and rewritten it 3 times. I'm insane. I was not a good mom during that time. I think Ken would agree that I was not a good wife during those two weeks. Not mean, just neglectful.
The story burned inside of me and even when I wasn't working on it, I would be talking to the Lord about it in my head. Every sermon, every worship song, every conversation brought new waves of ideas and things to include in my story. As the Lord would pour out the story through me though, I would often just stop and take a worship break. Songs just welling up inside of me.
It is crazy to try and describe. Trust me though, it is so good and fun, and I'm learning how to be a good mom and wife in the midst of all my creative urges. Most days.
Today however, I am taking a break from my book, to relax and refocus on other things. Oddly enough all I've done on my first day off from the book is make jewelry, paint with watercolors, do some homeschool and manage to make a dinner that was only 20 minutes late.
Alas, creativity has been flowing out of me, but not here on my blog. Sorry about saying something so stupid as ..... I'm gonna blog every day of my 40 day fast. Uh, yeah right Katrina, your follow thru stinks!
Yes, yes it does. Oh well. Love me or hate me for it. Now you know where I've been.
Maybe I will be back in 20 more days.....
So where have I been?
Writing a book, oddly enough.
Day two of the fast, the Lord gave me a dream and I started writing it down and it turned into a story which has turned into a 170 page book.
In two weeks I have written it and rewritten it 3 times. I'm insane. I was not a good mom during that time. I think Ken would agree that I was not a good wife during those two weeks. Not mean, just neglectful.
The story burned inside of me and even when I wasn't working on it, I would be talking to the Lord about it in my head. Every sermon, every worship song, every conversation brought new waves of ideas and things to include in my story. As the Lord would pour out the story through me though, I would often just stop and take a worship break. Songs just welling up inside of me.
It is crazy to try and describe. Trust me though, it is so good and fun, and I'm learning how to be a good mom and wife in the midst of all my creative urges. Most days.
Today however, I am taking a break from my book, to relax and refocus on other things. Oddly enough all I've done on my first day off from the book is make jewelry, paint with watercolors, do some homeschool and manage to make a dinner that was only 20 minutes late.
Alas, creativity has been flowing out of me, but not here on my blog. Sorry about saying something so stupid as ..... I'm gonna blog every day of my 40 day fast. Uh, yeah right Katrina, your follow thru stinks!
Yes, yes it does. Oh well. Love me or hate me for it. Now you know where I've been.
Maybe I will be back in 20 more days.....
Friday, January 3, 2014
Day 3
It has occurred to me that when I write about my days, that I will always be writing about the day before, because how can I write about the current day before it has happened. As such, from now on, my daily posts will be about my previous day.
So yesterday in my world I was worshipping a lot and working on craft projects. As my hands were busy, my heart was singing this song (one of many). It speaks deep to me and makes me so in love with the Lord for His kindness and love.
Amber Brooks - Vagabonds
Once there was a King who made a seat for many men at a wedding
When the prideful wouldn't come
He gathered to Himself the undeserving and unworthy.
How deep the love would have to be
To reconcile the debts of the guilty
These will be the vagabonds who trace the lines
Of right and wrong completely, intensely.
There came the one who sold her love away to many men
Beneath a red marquee
The jackal in dark corners hid to raid the unlocked
Doors of the sleeping, creeping
How deep the love would have to be
To Reconcile the debts of the guilty
These will be the vagabonds who trace the lines
Of right and wrong completely
These will be the ones who sing
Death has lost its hold on me! I'm forever yours.
Death has lost its hold on me
And a wellspring of life now runs through me.
There came the one who cursed the Son in unbelief
And spoke the death of god
The man who raised his fist against his wife and kids
To silence their pleading.....have mercy.
How deep the love would have to be
To reconcile the debts of the guilty
These will be the vagabonds who trace the lines
Of right and wrong completely
These will be the ones who sing
Death has lost its hold on me! I'm forever yours.
Death has lost its hold on me
And a wellspring of life now runs through me.
Beautiful words, eh? I will be one of these vagabonds, who has traced the lines of right and wrong and triumphed today - Death has lost its hold on me!
Amen!
Be encouraged today.
PS you can listen to the song on youtube here.
So yesterday in my world I was worshipping a lot and working on craft projects. As my hands were busy, my heart was singing this song (one of many). It speaks deep to me and makes me so in love with the Lord for His kindness and love.
Amber Brooks - Vagabonds
Once there was a King who made a seat for many men at a wedding
When the prideful wouldn't come
He gathered to Himself the undeserving and unworthy.
How deep the love would have to be
To reconcile the debts of the guilty
These will be the vagabonds who trace the lines
Of right and wrong completely, intensely.
There came the one who sold her love away to many men
Beneath a red marquee
The jackal in dark corners hid to raid the unlocked
Doors of the sleeping, creeping
How deep the love would have to be
To Reconcile the debts of the guilty
These will be the vagabonds who trace the lines
Of right and wrong completely
These will be the ones who sing
Death has lost its hold on me! I'm forever yours.
Death has lost its hold on me
And a wellspring of life now runs through me.
There came the one who cursed the Son in unbelief
And spoke the death of god
The man who raised his fist against his wife and kids
To silence their pleading.....have mercy.
How deep the love would have to be
To reconcile the debts of the guilty
These will be the vagabonds who trace the lines
Of right and wrong completely
These will be the ones who sing
Death has lost its hold on me! I'm forever yours.
Death has lost its hold on me
And a wellspring of life now runs through me.
Beautiful words, eh? I will be one of these vagabonds, who has traced the lines of right and wrong and triumphed today - Death has lost its hold on me!
Amen!
Be encouraged today.
PS you can listen to the song on youtube here.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Day 2
I'm afraid that Day 2's post will be a recap of Day 1 events. This will be an educational post, a horticultural post and a warning all wrapped up in one.
Yesterday was beautiful here. Sixty six degrees and sunny with a warm breeze and no clouds anywhere. My girls were so excited, and if I'm honest, so was I, so we all decided to walk to the park and back.
On the way back I picked some Mistletoe and gave a piece to both Kinsey and Kalei and explained about people kissing under it. They thought that was fun, and then I showed the girls some cool white berries on a tree. It was very pretty in the late afternoon sun, and they begged me to pick some for them too.
The only branch hanging low enough only afforded us about 5 of the white berries, but the girls were satisfied with their little twigs with berries.
Now, at that point, I told them not to eat or try to taste them. I wasn't sure what kind of tree it was, but anything with that many berries in the middle of winter must not be edible because even the birds and squirrels hadn't eaten them. They agreed and we carried on.
When we got home, we were all tired. I served up dinner and after dinner everyone cut loose from the table and went to do prospective projects solo. The girls set about cleaning their room so they could watch a movie before bed. I worked on homeschool prep for the following week and Ken.....well, he was somewhere, as was Keith who was probably upstairs trying to undo the girls cleaning.
So the cleaning is almost done. I walk into the living room to straighten up a bit, and find one of the berries half chewed up. I immediately think, 'oh crap, I better figure out what those were'.
The movie comes on, the kids and dad are watching, while I furiously google white berries on a tree in Texas. It doesn't take long and I find the name - Chinaberry is the common name, or White Cedar, but the latin is Melia azedarach. There is no doubt in my horticulture mind. I remember seeing this very tree in leaf and the leaves as well as the fruit and form match the Chinaberry pictures and descriptions.
Under toxicity it says 'highly toxic' and lists a whole gamut of possible symptoms and consequences. So I google another page about the plant, to cross reference, it says 'eating as few as 7 fruits could prove fatal', and so on. Every site said it was on the highly poisonous list.
I called poison control while Ken and the girls tried to find all the berries to see how many Keith might have eaten. We found one chewed. I knew of one other that should have been in the same vicinity as the chewed one, but it was missing. We sent Kinsey off to find her other three berries that she said she had in her room.
Poison control asks how long it had been. At this point it had been less than a hour since the berry had been found, and there are still several berries missing. She said take him to the emergency room.
We can't afford another unnecessary emergency room visit, so I call the ER and ask them what they will do in such a case. I said bluntly that if they are just going to observe him for a few hours, then we can't afford that, but the ER said they would only call poison control and ask them what they would recommend.
Ah, so I called poison control back and got a different woman. By then, we had found all the berries, I could tell her more surely that he had only chewed two berries (swallowing none) and that it had been over an hour at this point. Based on his age, weight, and current behavior (walking around happy and singing), she said to just keep an eye on him.
So, we did. We kept that poor boy up 2 more hours. He was fine, and I was fine. After a cup of ginger tea with chamomile my nerves and stomach were both more settled and so we all went to bed.
I tell you all of this because a) don't give your kids plants that you can't identify b) Chinaberries are very poisonous c) we averted an emergency room visit because I knew enough to call around and get all my information.
Be informed, and encouraged.
Yesterday was beautiful here. Sixty six degrees and sunny with a warm breeze and no clouds anywhere. My girls were so excited, and if I'm honest, so was I, so we all decided to walk to the park and back.
On the way back I picked some Mistletoe and gave a piece to both Kinsey and Kalei and explained about people kissing under it. They thought that was fun, and then I showed the girls some cool white berries on a tree. It was very pretty in the late afternoon sun, and they begged me to pick some for them too.
The only branch hanging low enough only afforded us about 5 of the white berries, but the girls were satisfied with their little twigs with berries.
Now, at that point, I told them not to eat or try to taste them. I wasn't sure what kind of tree it was, but anything with that many berries in the middle of winter must not be edible because even the birds and squirrels hadn't eaten them. They agreed and we carried on.
When we got home, we were all tired. I served up dinner and after dinner everyone cut loose from the table and went to do prospective projects solo. The girls set about cleaning their room so they could watch a movie before bed. I worked on homeschool prep for the following week and Ken.....well, he was somewhere, as was Keith who was probably upstairs trying to undo the girls cleaning.
So the cleaning is almost done. I walk into the living room to straighten up a bit, and find one of the berries half chewed up. I immediately think, 'oh crap, I better figure out what those were'.
The movie comes on, the kids and dad are watching, while I furiously google white berries on a tree in Texas. It doesn't take long and I find the name - Chinaberry is the common name, or White Cedar, but the latin is Melia azedarach. There is no doubt in my horticulture mind. I remember seeing this very tree in leaf and the leaves as well as the fruit and form match the Chinaberry pictures and descriptions.
Under toxicity it says 'highly toxic' and lists a whole gamut of possible symptoms and consequences. So I google another page about the plant, to cross reference, it says 'eating as few as 7 fruits could prove fatal', and so on. Every site said it was on the highly poisonous list.
I called poison control while Ken and the girls tried to find all the berries to see how many Keith might have eaten. We found one chewed. I knew of one other that should have been in the same vicinity as the chewed one, but it was missing. We sent Kinsey off to find her other three berries that she said she had in her room.
Poison control asks how long it had been. At this point it had been less than a hour since the berry had been found, and there are still several berries missing. She said take him to the emergency room.
We can't afford another unnecessary emergency room visit, so I call the ER and ask them what they will do in such a case. I said bluntly that if they are just going to observe him for a few hours, then we can't afford that, but the ER said they would only call poison control and ask them what they would recommend.
Ah, so I called poison control back and got a different woman. By then, we had found all the berries, I could tell her more surely that he had only chewed two berries (swallowing none) and that it had been over an hour at this point. Based on his age, weight, and current behavior (walking around happy and singing), she said to just keep an eye on him.
So, we did. We kept that poor boy up 2 more hours. He was fine, and I was fine. After a cup of ginger tea with chamomile my nerves and stomach were both more settled and so we all went to bed.
I tell you all of this because a) don't give your kids plants that you can't identify b) Chinaberries are very poisonous c) we averted an emergency room visit because I knew enough to call around and get all my information.
Be informed, and encouraged.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Day 1
As of yet, there is not much to report on the fast itself. I have not begun to feel the stretch, the pull, the lack of social media or sugar.
However, I am trying to limit my 'media' exposure in general, and yet I woke up this morning and without thinking spent over an hour reviewing kids learning game apps for the Kindle.
After an hour of that, I thought to myself, huh, I guess that sort of counts as media, and then I put the games away. Although I do love testing games designed for 4 & 5 year olds. I'm so darn good at 'em!
Then I thought about browsing the internet for ideas for our upcoming homeschool kick off next week, but then I realized that was more media.
I guess I may be more addicted to media than I thought. This fast is going to be good for me. I think I will find at the end of it that I have a lot more time than I thought I had.
The rest of today will be dedicated to crafts, laundry and rest.....but not necessarily in that order.
However, I am trying to limit my 'media' exposure in general, and yet I woke up this morning and without thinking spent over an hour reviewing kids learning game apps for the Kindle.
After an hour of that, I thought to myself, huh, I guess that sort of counts as media, and then I put the games away. Although I do love testing games designed for 4 & 5 year olds. I'm so darn good at 'em!
Then I thought about browsing the internet for ideas for our upcoming homeschool kick off next week, but then I realized that was more media.
I guess I may be more addicted to media than I thought. This fast is going to be good for me. I think I will find at the end of it that I have a lot more time than I thought I had.
The rest of today will be dedicated to crafts, laundry and rest.....but not necessarily in that order.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Preparing to Plunge
I am not under any allusions that the new year holds some magical ability to help strengthen peoples resolve to fulfill commitments and new goals that they set out for themselves to accomplish. Still, there is something so fresh and exciting about a new year, that it still makes me want to try new and exciting things.
So here I am. About to start a 40 day fast.
"Uh, so when was the last time you fasted Katrina?"
Well, if we don't count the forced fast from eggs and beans, part of my gallbladder episode that lasted over a year, then it would be about 3 years since I can remember trying to fast anything in a serious sort of way.
Yet my desire for more of the Lord is there, and physically there is nothing that says I can't (nursing/pregnancy/etc).
So here I go, plunging into purposeful poverty. I am choosing voluntary weakness as a means to seek more of the Lord. It is the way of the Kingdom of God.
Misty Edwards even sings a song about such things, the words go something like this:
The way of God is the wilderness, it's always been the wilderness,
The way of God is weakness, it is voluntary weakness.
I choose voluntary weakness in this season, because I want the best that God has for me in this next season.
My theology for why I fast is a little fuzzy. I don't have great principles to expound on here, I just know from history and my own past that fasting works to draw my heart nearer to the Lord's heart. For that, it is worth it.
Am I very intimidated by this fast?
Absolutely.
Will I fail and slip up?
Maybe, but perfection is not the point.
Even if I do it completely perfect, that may not be any better than a flawed attempt. In fact, knowing how the Lord works, I may not get as close to the Lord if I do it 100% perfect, because then at the end of it I might say in my heart "look Lord, I did it" and He will be like, "Great, you think you earn something now."
Where as, if I do slip up a few times, or wallow in some pathetic moments along the way, then it just might show that I truly am weak and broken and I need the Lord's strength. Then, whatever is gained from the fast will be grace and a gift to me, and I will know it in my heart.
So then, should I set out to fail, so that grace may abound?
Certainly not - says Paul (Romans 6:1-2).
I will do my best to stick to what I am committing to do, while at the same time, understanding the grace and love of the Lord.
With that said, here is the fast I am preparing to start tomorrow.
I will be fasting social media (which for me just means facebook), sweets and treats, and movies.
I will be blogging every day to chronicle the journey.
I will fast one meal a day the final 7 days of the fast.
I will be happy sounding some days and pathetic the next, so be prepared if you plan to read about me during the next 40 days.
I hope you enjoy my honesty during this journey, and that it inspires you to try it some time.
Stay tuned for more.
So here I am. About to start a 40 day fast.
"Uh, so when was the last time you fasted Katrina?"
Well, if we don't count the forced fast from eggs and beans, part of my gallbladder episode that lasted over a year, then it would be about 3 years since I can remember trying to fast anything in a serious sort of way.
Yet my desire for more of the Lord is there, and physically there is nothing that says I can't (nursing/pregnancy/etc).
So here I go, plunging into purposeful poverty. I am choosing voluntary weakness as a means to seek more of the Lord. It is the way of the Kingdom of God.
Misty Edwards even sings a song about such things, the words go something like this:
The way of God is the wilderness, it's always been the wilderness,
The way of God is weakness, it is voluntary weakness.
I choose voluntary weakness in this season, because I want the best that God has for me in this next season.
My theology for why I fast is a little fuzzy. I don't have great principles to expound on here, I just know from history and my own past that fasting works to draw my heart nearer to the Lord's heart. For that, it is worth it.
Am I very intimidated by this fast?
Absolutely.
Will I fail and slip up?
Maybe, but perfection is not the point.
Even if I do it completely perfect, that may not be any better than a flawed attempt. In fact, knowing how the Lord works, I may not get as close to the Lord if I do it 100% perfect, because then at the end of it I might say in my heart "look Lord, I did it" and He will be like, "Great, you think you earn something now."
Where as, if I do slip up a few times, or wallow in some pathetic moments along the way, then it just might show that I truly am weak and broken and I need the Lord's strength. Then, whatever is gained from the fast will be grace and a gift to me, and I will know it in my heart.
So then, should I set out to fail, so that grace may abound?
Certainly not - says Paul (Romans 6:1-2).
I will do my best to stick to what I am committing to do, while at the same time, understanding the grace and love of the Lord.
With that said, here is the fast I am preparing to start tomorrow.
I will be fasting social media (which for me just means facebook), sweets and treats, and movies.
I will be blogging every day to chronicle the journey.
I will fast one meal a day the final 7 days of the fast.
I will be happy sounding some days and pathetic the next, so be prepared if you plan to read about me during the next 40 days.
I hope you enjoy my honesty during this journey, and that it inspires you to try it some time.
Stay tuned for more.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Making Me Believe pt5
During the "Compassion training" step of the journey I had several dreams that highlighted my need for compassion and true discernment. (Read about the Compassion training part of the story here.)
For example. In one dream there was a demonic cat that kept showing up in my house. I kicked the crap out of that cat and kept throwing it out of my house, but then an authority figure came to me and simply rebuked the demonic spirit in the cat. Then the cat was tame, and we kept it as a pet. The lesson was that the problem was not the cat, it was the spirit behind it. I had been focused on the wrong thing.
This happened several times in a couple different dreams, and always the key was that I was not fighting against flesh and blood. I was to have compassion for the people in these situations, even those the enemy was using against me. To wield my sword effectively, I had to be accurate in my knowledge of who the enemy was, and then to separate the enemy from his weapon of choice (another person) not only in my mind, but to rebuke and bring freedom (if I could) to the person involved.
Perhaps that is a little heady of an idea to wrap your mind around. It was for me too. I like things simple, but God does not make everything so simple. Here is another example/scenario to explain the picture I am trying to paint.
Imagine a child being used as a suicide bomber against you and your neighborhood. You have a weapon. What do you do?
Is the child the enemy? No.
Can that child still blow me and many others to bits? Yes.
The world would say, "kill the one to save the many", but that is not the way of the Kingdom of God. The Lord desires that not even one should perish.
So how do you do it?
In a perfect situation, you would neutralize the child so that he can not harm himself or others while you disassemble the bomb. It is a messy thing, fraught with danger. Then, in keeping with the Lord's ideas, you would welcome that broken child into your home and offer him food from your own table.
That is the way of the Kingdom.
It was offensive to my mind, even my Christian mind, the first time the Lord began to show me pictures of this truth. I did not have compassion toward the bombers. I was ready to off them for the greater good to the body of Christ. How wrong my heart motives were? I did not have the things of Christ in mind.
So compassion. I must have compassion (for even the pawns) before I can move forward in spiritual authority.
Oh, and some of you may be thinking, "but how unreal is that example. Who, in your easy suburban life could be equal to a suicide bomber in your midst?" Well, perhaps that was a bit strong of a picture, but the enemy uses even my loved ones to stir up strife in my home. He likes to use those closest to us to try and wound us. Heck, he even uses my own emotions against me! The point is not to lash out at the one who is hurting us, or causing the problem, it is to lash out at the one behind the chaos and the pain. Does that make sense?
I certainly do not react the way I wish to all the time. In a pinch I will still strike at the one who is hurting me. When I am in pain, I am not very logical or compassionate. If I have time to pray though, the Lord will give me direction in the fight, and the outcome is always better when I act on the Lord's wisdom, and not my own. I say again, my fight is not against flesh and blood. Now I just need to train myself to always respond with that motto, even when I'm in pain.
I am still on this leg of the journey, to be sure!
Stay tuned for more.
Stay tuned for more.
Monday, December 23, 2013
A Garment of Praise
Texas has been our home now for over three months. We like it here, a lot.
I nodded and we talked about the Lord removing that spirit of heaviness, and I confessed, even then that I was feeling heavy with our lack of direction. The fear of not knowing what we should be doing. That same day, another woman who doesn't know either of us gave a prophetic word to us about the Lord's direction for us, that He has a great adventure for us.
In some ways this move was easier than our move from Kansas City to South Carolina, and in other ways, this move was harder and completely different.
One of the ways this move is so different is that once we arrived and got settled in, the Lord began to make it clear to us that the vision for why we moved was not actually what we would be doing. Well, not exactly. Texas was correct. I know that much in my heart.
The rest......mainly, our involvement in the missions school, seems to not be so certain. I don't have clear direction on what we are suppose to be doing instead, but it seems to me, that the Lord has sealed the door shut on the missions school.....at least for now. Who knows. The peace I feel about that particular subject though speaks enough to me on its own. I'm fine with letting the subject rest.
So what are we here to do then, Lord?
I imagine Him sitting up there with a mischievous smile saying, "wouldn't you like to know..."
Notice I said 'mischievous', which is not 'malicious'.
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to bring you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
So we are waiting upon the Lord.......and waiting is hard. Really hard.
"but those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they will mount up on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they shall walk and not faint," Isaiah 40:31
My strength IS finally feeling somewhat renewed today, for the first time in weeks.
See, I had a melt down about 2 weeks ago, where I was filled with despair and doubts and fear. It nearly overwhelmed me and I had an emotional outburst about how I was feeling about our lack of clear direction. It was ugly, and even as I was spewing my emotional turmoil, I knew I was essentially having a spiritual temper tantrum.
Can we say 'pathetic'?
After it was over though, I felt the Lord's gentleness toward me. He wasn't shocked by my lack of faith, or strength, or hope.
One of the accusations that I flung at the Lord that day was that I was tired of being 'the awesome missionary wife who use to be at IHOP and who walks in so much faith and has it all figured out, and is an awesome mom, wife, friend".
As if people actually hold me at some high, unrealistic standards and judge me silently when they see me struggling in any (or all) of those areas.
As if people actually hold me at some high, unrealistic standards and judge me silently when they see me struggling in any (or all) of those areas.
But then the Lord whispered to me in the silence after my storm.
"Who thinks that unrealistic lie about you? Isn't it you?"
Wow....... yes..........me.
I am the one holding myself to that unrealistic standard.
Since then the Lord has been speaking to me about why I had that standard for myself, and how valuable I am to Him even though I bring nothing to the table in our relationship. I am not lesser in His eyes just because I don't know what we are doing here in Texas. He knows, and when He is ready, He will make it happen and it will bring glory to His name. Not my name. I will not be able to take a bit of the glory, because I won't be making it happen. I will just be walking it out, and even that will require His help.
Sobering, freeing, beautiful, and lovely truth.
I feel as though I have been gliding through the last few days. A great weight has lifted off my shoulders. Even as I write this I am realizing it is a fulfillment of a prophetic word I received only 3 weeks ago (about a week before the meltdown).
A very dear woman in our church referenced the story where David fasted and prayed for his son to not die, but when the child did die, he got up and washed himself and put on clean clothes. She also mentioned the scripture in Isaiah 61 where it says: "to give unto them beauty for ashes, joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness".
She asked if that was accurate at all for me.
She asked if that was accurate at all for me.
I nodded and we talked about the Lord removing that spirit of heaviness, and I confessed, even then that I was feeling heavy with our lack of direction. The fear of not knowing what we should be doing. That same day, another woman who doesn't know either of us gave a prophetic word to us about the Lord's direction for us, that He has a great adventure for us.
So the Lord knew my heart was heavy and He tried to tell me to give over my burden to Him, but I was still thinking that if I just fought a little harder, I could show Him what a good 'fighter' I am, what a faithful servant, what a calm and collected daughter I really in, and then the breakthrough would come.
I failed to remember that He sees our hearts, and my heart was exhausted and sad, and full of fear.
So I had my tantrum, the Lord took the opportunity to speak some hard things to me, and now I am lighter, happier, and ready to do some more waiting.
As if that isn't enough to cause me joy upon joy, today was a particularly beautiful day.
Today it was as if I could feel the Lord taking notice of me, from behind me, from across the room, from all around me. I could feel His eyes on me, and I felt so loved and valued. I knew that I wasn't doing anything special, but He lavished His love on me today in more ways than one.
My strength to wait upon the Lord has been renewed. Yet even in my weakness (weak moments) I am strong.
All I have to do is keep saying yes to the Lord. Today I say yes again.....to waiting upon the Lord.
PS. Since I experienced these things (the tantrum and then sweet revelation), I would like to also mention that the Lord has given us some direction and vision for this next season. If you would like to read about it, feel free to visit my husband's blog here.
PS. Since I experienced these things (the tantrum and then sweet revelation), I would like to also mention that the Lord has given us some direction and vision for this next season. If you would like to read about it, feel free to visit my husband's blog here.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Randomness
I haven't had a randomness post for a while.
These random thoughts were written back in October 2013, but I'm just now getting around to posting them. Still, when I re-read my randomness I found it slightly entertaining. Here is a snapshot of my life and what kinds of things I like, think, experience.
Anyhow - on to the randomness. (btw, randomness posts are just a bunch of random thoughts or snippets of stories that I throw together). Enjoy.
#1 Tonight we had small group, and Keith was already breathing heavy (on the verge of tears) by the time we walked thru the door. He has figured out that mommy leaves him in the back bedroom with the babysitter during small group and although he tolerates it once reality hits, the thought of going back to the bedroom to play hits him the moment we come through the front door and he is not happy with that thought. Poor baby.
#2 Keith is weaned, which means I have no reason why I can't begin fasting once a week again. Uh, this week, I worked on just weaning myself off all my snack times throughout the day. Step one toward fasting again.
#3 My children love bugs. Yesterday Kalei was befriending the fire ants and happily reported to me that she said hello and they didn't bite her and now they are friends. I'm thinking they probably weren't fire ants. Today, Kinsey befriended a couple of slugs, to which Kalei cried in my arms, because she didn't have any slugs and Kinsey had two, that isn't fair. Slugs, I'm not kidding you. Love these girls.
#4 I desire to paint creatively lately, but have no money to invest at the moment. Have been thinking seriously about taking over Kinsey's Christmas present from last year, a whole collection of acrylic paints. I bought it for her, why shouldn't I. Am I a bad mom? (update, I did partially take over the collection of acrylics, but if I use them all, I will buy her more...eventually)
#5 Lately I've been reading a lot about Common Core and I think it has only served to solidify why I choose to homeschool and why I feel it is so important to protect my children in this day and age. Not just from the 'evil', but from the unrealistic standards that the world may try to thrust on them at too early of an age.
#6 People here in Arlington love to fellowship over food. First Sunday at new church, we get invited out to BBQ afterwards. Go to a new prospective friend's house for the first time, and she invites us to stay for lunch. We've had lunch at her house every subsequent visit, and I am visiting a new mom friend tomorrow who has already asked if I like chicken salad sandwiches for lunch. I only usually offer snacks when friends come over to my house to play. Might have to up my game plan a bit, but I think I like the new trend!
#7 Texas can be cold. I was shocked the first morning I woke up and my feet required my slippers to feel comfortable going downstairs. I'm not complaining, just surprised is all.
#8 Growing grass in Texas is a joke. Our backyard looks horrible, and I can't decided if it is worth trying any harder to achieve the goal of grass. Maybe we should just mulch the whole thing.
#9 Lots of huge churches here in Arlington. Some of them look so beautiful on the outside, others are so, so ugly (on the outside). Glad to be going to a smaller church in this season. It is something that I didn't know I wanted until now, but I like being able to be recognized as a new person, since I am, in fact, new.
#10 Visited the Arlington Prayer Room and have fallen in love. At first I was afraid it would not be like the prayer room times I remember in Kansas City. That somehow I had perhaps romanticized the memory of the prayer room, but no, it was awesome! More awesome than I remember! It was like water to my soul and I can't wait to go again.
#11 Reading a book on marriage right now called "Love and War" by the Eldridges. I highly recommend it! Really real about the 'issues' in marriage, also has a lot to entertain. Real life stories are really funny, because, yeah, they're real, and I can relate.
#12 We are celebrating Kalei's birthday Friday, and she is so excited, but yesterday for the first time it hit her how far away we are from all her kid friends. I was asking her if our friends Scott and Kathy could come over, and she said yes, and then I watched as her mind formed the thought of who else to invite, and then she looked at me with a very sad face and said, "my only friend is Selah.......and Amber and Ailsa". It was a very sad moment. She realized they couldn't come and she was so bummed out. Then Kinsey, who is always resourceful, told her we could draw pictures of Selah and Amber and Ailsa and invite the pictures to the party! That cheered Kalei up, and then they went back to coloring. Devastation averted by Kinsey's quick thinking! Sigh.
So, those are my random thoughts and stories. Hope you enjoyed them. Goodnight!
These random thoughts were written back in October 2013, but I'm just now getting around to posting them. Still, when I re-read my randomness I found it slightly entertaining. Here is a snapshot of my life and what kinds of things I like, think, experience.
Anyhow - on to the randomness. (btw, randomness posts are just a bunch of random thoughts or snippets of stories that I throw together). Enjoy.
#1 Tonight we had small group, and Keith was already breathing heavy (on the verge of tears) by the time we walked thru the door. He has figured out that mommy leaves him in the back bedroom with the babysitter during small group and although he tolerates it once reality hits, the thought of going back to the bedroom to play hits him the moment we come through the front door and he is not happy with that thought. Poor baby.
#2 Keith is weaned, which means I have no reason why I can't begin fasting once a week again. Uh, this week, I worked on just weaning myself off all my snack times throughout the day. Step one toward fasting again.
#3 My children love bugs. Yesterday Kalei was befriending the fire ants and happily reported to me that she said hello and they didn't bite her and now they are friends. I'm thinking they probably weren't fire ants. Today, Kinsey befriended a couple of slugs, to which Kalei cried in my arms, because she didn't have any slugs and Kinsey had two, that isn't fair. Slugs, I'm not kidding you. Love these girls.
#4 I desire to paint creatively lately, but have no money to invest at the moment. Have been thinking seriously about taking over Kinsey's Christmas present from last year, a whole collection of acrylic paints. I bought it for her, why shouldn't I. Am I a bad mom? (update, I did partially take over the collection of acrylics, but if I use them all, I will buy her more...eventually)
#5 Lately I've been reading a lot about Common Core and I think it has only served to solidify why I choose to homeschool and why I feel it is so important to protect my children in this day and age. Not just from the 'evil', but from the unrealistic standards that the world may try to thrust on them at too early of an age.
#6 People here in Arlington love to fellowship over food. First Sunday at new church, we get invited out to BBQ afterwards. Go to a new prospective friend's house for the first time, and she invites us to stay for lunch. We've had lunch at her house every subsequent visit, and I am visiting a new mom friend tomorrow who has already asked if I like chicken salad sandwiches for lunch. I only usually offer snacks when friends come over to my house to play. Might have to up my game plan a bit, but I think I like the new trend!
#7 Texas can be cold. I was shocked the first morning I woke up and my feet required my slippers to feel comfortable going downstairs. I'm not complaining, just surprised is all.
#8 Growing grass in Texas is a joke. Our backyard looks horrible, and I can't decided if it is worth trying any harder to achieve the goal of grass. Maybe we should just mulch the whole thing.
#9 Lots of huge churches here in Arlington. Some of them look so beautiful on the outside, others are so, so ugly (on the outside). Glad to be going to a smaller church in this season. It is something that I didn't know I wanted until now, but I like being able to be recognized as a new person, since I am, in fact, new.
#10 Visited the Arlington Prayer Room and have fallen in love. At first I was afraid it would not be like the prayer room times I remember in Kansas City. That somehow I had perhaps romanticized the memory of the prayer room, but no, it was awesome! More awesome than I remember! It was like water to my soul and I can't wait to go again.
#11 Reading a book on marriage right now called "Love and War" by the Eldridges. I highly recommend it! Really real about the 'issues' in marriage, also has a lot to entertain. Real life stories are really funny, because, yeah, they're real, and I can relate.
#12 We are celebrating Kalei's birthday Friday, and she is so excited, but yesterday for the first time it hit her how far away we are from all her kid friends. I was asking her if our friends Scott and Kathy could come over, and she said yes, and then I watched as her mind formed the thought of who else to invite, and then she looked at me with a very sad face and said, "my only friend is Selah.......and Amber and Ailsa". It was a very sad moment. She realized they couldn't come and she was so bummed out. Then Kinsey, who is always resourceful, told her we could draw pictures of Selah and Amber and Ailsa and invite the pictures to the party! That cheered Kalei up, and then they went back to coloring. Devastation averted by Kinsey's quick thinking! Sigh.
So, those are my random thoughts and stories. Hope you enjoyed them. Goodnight!
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Thrifting for Dummies
I'm sure someone, somewhere has come up with a manual on how to thrift store shop in the most efficient way, but here is my take on the subject.
In general, I feel as though I dress decently for my age, but I feel my style has taken a new edge of trendiness ever since the blessed creation of.......Pinterest.
Lets be real. I am not the trend setting type. I like modesty, and I like comfort. Those two details don't mix well in a recipe for the fashion trend setter in the 21st century. Still, to be fair, there are a lot of hip Christian women who pull it off and I like their style.
That is why I follow them on Pinterest. To see what they are pinning on their fashion boards. Not because I want to look exactly like them, but because I am not creative when it comes to my wardrobe and I feel the need for a visual map. I'm also not brave in mixing colors in my wardrobe. Remember that post way back when? The one where I discussed my inability to make a cottage garden. My wardrobe is a similar garden color/texture mixing challenge.
So I go on Pinterest. I find 'outfits' already put together and then I figure out what I like about the outfit and work on how to recreate something similar. It is like the interior designers who look at a high end inspirational rooms and try to recreate it on a smaller budget.
First I have to figure out what I like about it. The colors? The textures and patterns? The cut of the clothes? A lot of time, I only like the colors. So when I begin to look more closely, the clothes themselves are nothing more than a colored tee shirt with a pair of fitted jeans and a cute pair of shoes and some earrings or a scarf in a contrasting color. That is so easy it is almost laughable, but I still would have never figured it out without the 'map'.
Back to thrifting. Once I figure out what outfits I am trying to recreate, then I go ahead and make a little list of what I'm looking for. The list is key, so when I'm out, I don't get distracted by all the pretty colors. I can just stick to my list.
A typical list might look something like this.....purple tee shirt, shirt with teal accents, grey sweater, buff colored shoes, floral scarf, etc. Vague descriptions are key, so that I can find something similar at the thrift store, not exact. You almost never find exactly the same piece as you saw on Pinterest.
Every once in a while you do.
So if I stick to my list however, I end up with more complete outfits in my closet, rather than a lot of random tops that can only be paired with jeans, jeans, and more jeans, and have no accessories to pair with them.
It also means I spend my money more wisely on the 'big' pieces. Like a few years ago, I dropped $100 (well, actually my mother did) on a sweater that I had fallen in love with on Pinterest, but that I knew I would never find in a thrift store. It was a big splurge, but its versatility and yet uniqueness made it worth it. I have never regretted that purchase. It wasn't a spur of the moment decision, I tried it on, thought about it, and came back the next day (with my mom) to get it.
If you don't have your list with you, don't buy anything, only browse.
So, when it comes to buying, I also never buy anything unless I try it on, even in a thrift store. If this grosses you out, then thrifting may not be for you. I find a lot of things that are sized as xl, but that have shrunk and fit me perfectly. Today I bought a 2x shirt that fit me like a glove, seriously, fitted and wonderfully soft. Glad I tried it on.
It goes the other way too, though. I tried on a large today that I couldn't even get my arms into the sleeve holes. Craziness. Now you know why people thrifted these things. Probably washed it the first time and it shrank like crazy and they couldn't get their arms in either. Or maybe not. Who knows.
Another fun thing about thrifting is that you get such a mix all in one store, and the selection changes as often as they set out new things. The key is to go often when you are looking for something specific, and not settle until you find that 'perfect' piece.
Today I spent less than $40 and got 1 amazing dress, 2 long skirts (my hippy side couldn't resist), and 7 shirts, most of which would be considered pretty hip/in style. Well maybe not the skirts, but that is my own little fettish.
Stay tuned, and I will show you how todays purchases completed some outfits, and what pinterest pins they were based upon.
In general, I feel as though I dress decently for my age, but I feel my style has taken a new edge of trendiness ever since the blessed creation of.......Pinterest.
Lets be real. I am not the trend setting type. I like modesty, and I like comfort. Those two details don't mix well in a recipe for the fashion trend setter in the 21st century. Still, to be fair, there are a lot of hip Christian women who pull it off and I like their style.
That is why I follow them on Pinterest. To see what they are pinning on their fashion boards. Not because I want to look exactly like them, but because I am not creative when it comes to my wardrobe and I feel the need for a visual map. I'm also not brave in mixing colors in my wardrobe. Remember that post way back when? The one where I discussed my inability to make a cottage garden. My wardrobe is a similar garden color/texture mixing challenge.
So I go on Pinterest. I find 'outfits' already put together and then I figure out what I like about the outfit and work on how to recreate something similar. It is like the interior designers who look at a high end inspirational rooms and try to recreate it on a smaller budget.
First I have to figure out what I like about it. The colors? The textures and patterns? The cut of the clothes? A lot of time, I only like the colors. So when I begin to look more closely, the clothes themselves are nothing more than a colored tee shirt with a pair of fitted jeans and a cute pair of shoes and some earrings or a scarf in a contrasting color. That is so easy it is almost laughable, but I still would have never figured it out without the 'map'.
Back to thrifting. Once I figure out what outfits I am trying to recreate, then I go ahead and make a little list of what I'm looking for. The list is key, so when I'm out, I don't get distracted by all the pretty colors. I can just stick to my list.
A typical list might look something like this.....purple tee shirt, shirt with teal accents, grey sweater, buff colored shoes, floral scarf, etc. Vague descriptions are key, so that I can find something similar at the thrift store, not exact. You almost never find exactly the same piece as you saw on Pinterest.
Every once in a while you do.
So if I stick to my list however, I end up with more complete outfits in my closet, rather than a lot of random tops that can only be paired with jeans, jeans, and more jeans, and have no accessories to pair with them.
It also means I spend my money more wisely on the 'big' pieces. Like a few years ago, I dropped $100 (well, actually my mother did) on a sweater that I had fallen in love with on Pinterest, but that I knew I would never find in a thrift store. It was a big splurge, but its versatility and yet uniqueness made it worth it. I have never regretted that purchase. It wasn't a spur of the moment decision, I tried it on, thought about it, and came back the next day (with my mom) to get it.
If you don't have your list with you, don't buy anything, only browse.
So, when it comes to buying, I also never buy anything unless I try it on, even in a thrift store. If this grosses you out, then thrifting may not be for you. I find a lot of things that are sized as xl, but that have shrunk and fit me perfectly. Today I bought a 2x shirt that fit me like a glove, seriously, fitted and wonderfully soft. Glad I tried it on.
It goes the other way too, though. I tried on a large today that I couldn't even get my arms into the sleeve holes. Craziness. Now you know why people thrifted these things. Probably washed it the first time and it shrank like crazy and they couldn't get their arms in either. Or maybe not. Who knows.
Another fun thing about thrifting is that you get such a mix all in one store, and the selection changes as often as they set out new things. The key is to go often when you are looking for something specific, and not settle until you find that 'perfect' piece.
Today I spent less than $40 and got 1 amazing dress, 2 long skirts (my hippy side couldn't resist), and 7 shirts, most of which would be considered pretty hip/in style. Well maybe not the skirts, but that is my own little fettish.
Stay tuned, and I will show you how todays purchases completed some outfits, and what pinterest pins they were based upon.
Making Me Believe pt 4
When I finally counted the cost for the journey I was embarking on with the Lord, and I said a more confident 'yes' to His plans for me, the next step was also surprising to me.
I thought I was ready to start swinging my sword and hacking up the enemy and saving the defenseless and all that hero work. There probably was some of that kind of training in the next step, but I didn't really notice it because the Lord began to greatly emphasize my need for compassion.
Compassion, really?
I was annoyed, to say the least. I was ready to be a warrior. Do warriors have much compassion?
If they are in the Lord of Host's army, then it is a very real requirement. I must admit, my questions to the Lord were not very professional, or mature.
Here is what I should have prayed: "Lord, how does compassion prepare me for battle and war? Why is this important to Your heart?"
Here is what I actually prayed, "Lord, You're kidding. Compassion! I wanna get to the good stuff, where I'm praying and demons are screaming and fleeing."
Just keeping it real here, folks! It is further proof that I had a lot of work to do before I was ready to be wielding a sword.
It was a huge lesson to me, on why the Church is so full of wounded people. Sometimes there are wounds from legitimate enemy attacks upon the Kingdom, but how much of it is caused by friendly fire instead. How many untrained civilians suddenly feel powerful holding their sword (the Bible in this case) and begin to swing it around in bravado, wounding people around them carelessly, or without even knowing it.
As the Lord highlighted these ideas to me, I became self-conscious of how many times I might have accidentally wounded someone by speaking out at the wrong time or in the wrong spirit. The tongue is likened to a sword (Prov. 12:18) as well as the Word of God (Hebr. 4:12) Both are very sharp and can be dangerous when used improperly. I'm pretty sure I've used both of my swords wrongly and wounded people in the past.
So next came a deep repentance. A very real sorrow as I realized the truth of the consequences of my own immaturity over the years.
Compassion began to become a very real ingredient to me in being able to wield my sword more safely. I could appreciate the wisdom now in this being the next step.
Stay tuned for more on my journey of "Making Me Believe".
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Making Me Believe pt3
I can say now I had no idea what I was really asking for at the time. I was just feeling bold from the prayer meetings and I felt lead to ask for what I thought would help me to be a better wife and mother in my home. Spiritual Authority.
It isn't like the Lord waves a wand and suddenly I know how to fight more effectively. It is training, and it takes time, and it is painful in some ways.
(new to this series, read the first two parts here and here)
Anything worth doing is usually hard and painful to accomplish.
It isn't like the Lord waves a wand and suddenly I know how to fight more effectively. It is training, and it takes time, and it is painful in some ways.
(new to this series, read the first two parts here and here)
Anything worth doing is usually hard and painful to accomplish.
So right away there is a major pause in the journey toward my new goal.
In the Women's Conference at MorningStar in November 2012, one of the speakers was talking about naive Christians who see big name speakers like Joyce Meyers and say things like, "I want to be like her" or "I wish I walked in that kind of authority". The speaker went on to admonish those 'immature' Christians for not knowing what they're asking for. They have no idea the price those speakers have had to pay for the authority they walk in now, or the price some of them are still paying.
In the Women's Conference at MorningStar in November 2012, one of the speakers was talking about naive Christians who see big name speakers like Joyce Meyers and say things like, "I want to be like her" or "I wish I walked in that kind of authority". The speaker went on to admonish those 'immature' Christians for not knowing what they're asking for. They have no idea the price those speakers have had to pay for the authority they walk in now, or the price some of them are still paying.
Whoa! That caused the pause.
Did I even know what I was asking for? I certainly wasn't asking to be Joyce Meyers, but was I prepared to pay the price to attain what I was asking for. To whom much is given, much is required. Was I willing to pay the price? Did I even know what the price was? It took me two more months to answer that question. Until I could answer that question, my journey was at a standstill.
In that time of pause, I was really thinking hard about whether I had what it took to really go after this thing. Was I prepared to be under greater attack? Was I prepared for increased attack on my family, both near and far? The Lord gave me a picture during that time of a hornets nest being stirred up. As I became an effective tool in the hands of the Lord, the enemy would want to retaliate. Was I prepared for that? Battle is hard, tiresome, and there are casualties. Was I ready for all that?
Thankfully the Lord had already been preparing me, shoring up some of my weak places, through a series of unlikely circumstances (you can read about it here). The Lord had already been changing my appetites to help sanctify me for His further service. As one who wants to fight and be strong in the Lord, it was imperative for me to walk in a fresh level of purity and holiness.
So, I guess I was more ready than I thought, but I still took a couple of months to really 'count the cost', which is wisdom, even according to scripture: Luke 14:28-35.
It was a very sobering time. The high that I had felt while praying out in the women's prayer meetings had subsided and I truly felt the weight of what I was asking for the Lord to train me in. For two months I played out worse-case scenarios in my mind, and at the end of each one, the Lord would ask me, is it worth that? I am thankful to report that I was able to say yes each time, although not always right away. I also had dreams in that time, and I can see now that they were also prepping me to be able to keep saying yes to the vision.
It was a very sobering time. The high that I had felt while praying out in the women's prayer meetings had subsided and I truly felt the weight of what I was asking for the Lord to train me in. For two months I played out worse-case scenarios in my mind, and at the end of each one, the Lord would ask me, is it worth that? I am thankful to report that I was able to say yes each time, although not always right away. I also had dreams in that time, and I can see now that they were also prepping me to be able to keep saying yes to the vision.
Finally, in December I was able to say yes in a closing sort of way. One of the things that the Lord pointed out to me that clinched my commitment to the goal, was when He showed me that if I wanted to live any kind of effective Christian life at all, the enemies attacks would come, whether I was properly trained to fight them or not.
It is always the civilians who take the hardest hit in wars (in the natural), which is mostly women and children, who are left at home, living life as normal while the men are out fighting. The civilians are mostly untrained to be defensive for themselves. They are relying on the war not coming to them, but war is no respecter of persons. The enemy of our souls is the least merciful of all. No one is safe, not even at home.
I am not trying to be a pessimist, or use fear to make you feel the weight of what I am saying, I am trying to be a realist by pointing out that we really are a part of a Spiritual war. In this Spiritual war, there are those who are walking around vulnerable, like civilians. I was one of them for a long time (so no condemnation in my tone, just a sense of urgency), first by denying I was in a war, and then by relegating the fighting only to certain people (men, ministry leaders, pastors, missionaries).
I am not trying to be a pessimist, or use fear to make you feel the weight of what I am saying, I am trying to be a realist by pointing out that we really are a part of a Spiritual war. In this Spiritual war, there are those who are walking around vulnerable, like civilians. I was one of them for a long time (so no condemnation in my tone, just a sense of urgency), first by denying I was in a war, and then by relegating the fighting only to certain people (men, ministry leaders, pastors, missionaries).
When the Lord pointed that out, it was an eye opener to the obvious. There was no going back. I was living my life for the Lord, therefore attacks were inevitable, and so I had better learn to take the heat and learn to use my weapons of war effectively. We've all been given a sword and armor, but we have got to know how to use it!!!
If we are growing in the Lord, and the Lord is cultivating the fruits of the Spirit in our lives, then we are targets of the enemy. Period.
But again I say, to those much has been given, much is required. If you have never considered these things before now, then you are probably not being required by the Lord to steward them (yet). Until the Lord highlights a Truth to your heart and mind, you can not hope to effectively incorporate it into your life. Once He highlights a Truth to you though, then you are accountable on how you steward that information. Stewardship suggests an action is required.
Does that make sense?
So for me, the Lord highlighted my need for spiritual authority. First, I believe He made me want it. I began to ask for it. Then, He began to prepare me to actually receive training for the gift. Part of the preparation included stopping to count the cost.
Are you asking for something specific from the Lord? Have you considered what it might cost you to obtain the gift?
If we are growing in the Lord, and the Lord is cultivating the fruits of the Spirit in our lives, then we are targets of the enemy. Period.
But again I say, to those much has been given, much is required. If you have never considered these things before now, then you are probably not being required by the Lord to steward them (yet). Until the Lord highlights a Truth to your heart and mind, you can not hope to effectively incorporate it into your life. Once He highlights a Truth to you though, then you are accountable on how you steward that information. Stewardship suggests an action is required.
Does that make sense?
So for me, the Lord highlighted my need for spiritual authority. First, I believe He made me want it. I began to ask for it. Then, He began to prepare me to actually receive training for the gift. Part of the preparation included stopping to count the cost.
Are you asking for something specific from the Lord? Have you considered what it might cost you to obtain the gift?
Thursday, October 31, 2013
How to Keep Believing
In the same theme as the others in this series on "Making Me Believe", I am going to talk about my favorite tool that help me connect with the Lord and His opinions about me. It is no easy thing to begin to believe what the Lord says about you.
For years I had read the scriptures and heard sermons preached on our identity in Christ. I thought I believed it, but in a lot of ways I didn't live like I believed it. So now, is that really belief? If you really believe something, you should have the guts to live like you actually believe it!
That was the Lord's challenge to me! How can you walk in your God-given authority if you don't really know who you are? What if I say I know who I am, but I don't act like it 90% of the time? Do I really understand who I am then?
Read some scriptures that talk about who each of us is in Christ.
Psalm 139:13-16 - the one about being "fearfully and wonderfully made" by the Lord. How many of us actually live like that! Do we really believe it? Or do we constantly criticize the way we look? Do we focus on our weaknesses and failures?
1 Peter 2:9 - the one about being "set apart, a royal priesthood, a holy nation". Do we really live like that? I'm not talking about our nation right now, but do we live this as individuals? Or do we go with the flow of culture and allow our hearts and minds to be defiled by everything around us?
Jeremiah 29:11 - the one about the Lord has "plans to prosper you and not to harm you....". Do we live like that? Do we see the Lord that way? Or do we see Him as an angry God with a big fly swatter just waiting to hit us again if we get out of line?
There are lots and lots more. I pulled these few from this website that lists even more, check it out if you have time. Be honest with yourself too. We've all read these scriptures lots of times, but do we really live like they are true about US!
I include myself in the challenge. Believing the Lord is more than being able to recite these scriptures by heart, it is about living them with confidence before all men.
One of the ways you take the head knowledge (knowing the scriptures) and get it written on your heart (experiential knowledge?), is to fill your life with the truth that the Lord is highlighting to you right now!
I do that with songs.
To sing the truth over myself. It gets in me like nothing else can and touches something deep inside of me, helping me to believe that thing that I want to learn to believe. I can sing it over and over, as many times as I want and as I do it over a period of time, I find it gets easier and easier to believe the thing I've been singing about.
Think about it this way. God is a God who calls those things which do not exist as though they did (Romans 4:17). When the Lord highlights an area of your life and invites you to grow in that area, He already sees the fruit of the journey that you haven't yet begun. He doesn't just see the potential in you, He sees the perfected end product.
We do not see that end product in ourselves, but singing songs about what the Lord sees in you, is very prophetic and an active step of faith in the right direction. We are essentially calling forth those things inside of us that do not yet exist, as though they did. You are partnering with the Lord when you speak/sing over yourself things, qualities, and gifts that you don't feel you yet possess, as if you did possess them.
So ask the Lord for a song to sing to yourself in your current season. My songs in certain seasons change as often as every day, or I will sing 2-3 songs interchangeable for a few weeks, etc. Some of you have probably been experiencing this unconsciously for years.
You are in a hard season maybe? You hear a song that speaks to your heart on the radio, and you find yourself singing it all the time. It is just as powerful when you sing it in the shower, off key, as when you first sang it in the car. It is because the words have life for your current season, and singing them over yourself is a way to connect with the Lord in your current season.
Make sense? I hope so, because this is a powerful tool in changing attitudes, mindsets, or strongholds and also growing fruit and gifts.
Beware however, because songs work in the opposite spirit too. Feeling depressed? Feeling drawn to depressing/moody music? The words you sing have the power to bring both life and death (Proverbs 18:21). What we say and sing has power in the spiritual realm. If you are not singing words that bring life and connection with the Holy spirit, then what spirit are you connecting with, feeding, encouraging, or agreeing with?
I am not exaggerating.
So what you are singing? Sing words over yourself that bring life, but you can also sing words over your family and situations you are encountering. It is all so powerful in the Spirit!
POWERFUL!
What song are you singing in your heart today? Take a look at what song has been on loop/stuck in your head. If you like what you hear yourself singing. Good job! Keep singing it. Don't like what you are singing. Ask the Lord for a new song in your mouth (Psalm 40:3).
For years I had read the scriptures and heard sermons preached on our identity in Christ. I thought I believed it, but in a lot of ways I didn't live like I believed it. So now, is that really belief? If you really believe something, you should have the guts to live like you actually believe it!
That was the Lord's challenge to me! How can you walk in your God-given authority if you don't really know who you are? What if I say I know who I am, but I don't act like it 90% of the time? Do I really understand who I am then?
Read some scriptures that talk about who each of us is in Christ.
Psalm 139:13-16 - the one about being "fearfully and wonderfully made" by the Lord. How many of us actually live like that! Do we really believe it? Or do we constantly criticize the way we look? Do we focus on our weaknesses and failures?
1 Peter 2:9 - the one about being "set apart, a royal priesthood, a holy nation". Do we really live like that? I'm not talking about our nation right now, but do we live this as individuals? Or do we go with the flow of culture and allow our hearts and minds to be defiled by everything around us?
Jeremiah 29:11 - the one about the Lord has "plans to prosper you and not to harm you....". Do we live like that? Do we see the Lord that way? Or do we see Him as an angry God with a big fly swatter just waiting to hit us again if we get out of line?
There are lots and lots more. I pulled these few from this website that lists even more, check it out if you have time. Be honest with yourself too. We've all read these scriptures lots of times, but do we really live like they are true about US!
I include myself in the challenge. Believing the Lord is more than being able to recite these scriptures by heart, it is about living them with confidence before all men.
One of the ways you take the head knowledge (knowing the scriptures) and get it written on your heart (experiential knowledge?), is to fill your life with the truth that the Lord is highlighting to you right now!
I do that with songs.
To sing the truth over myself. It gets in me like nothing else can and touches something deep inside of me, helping me to believe that thing that I want to learn to believe. I can sing it over and over, as many times as I want and as I do it over a period of time, I find it gets easier and easier to believe the thing I've been singing about.
Think about it this way. God is a God who calls those things which do not exist as though they did (Romans 4:17). When the Lord highlights an area of your life and invites you to grow in that area, He already sees the fruit of the journey that you haven't yet begun. He doesn't just see the potential in you, He sees the perfected end product.
We do not see that end product in ourselves, but singing songs about what the Lord sees in you, is very prophetic and an active step of faith in the right direction. We are essentially calling forth those things inside of us that do not yet exist, as though they did. You are partnering with the Lord when you speak/sing over yourself things, qualities, and gifts that you don't feel you yet possess, as if you did possess them.
So ask the Lord for a song to sing to yourself in your current season. My songs in certain seasons change as often as every day, or I will sing 2-3 songs interchangeable for a few weeks, etc. Some of you have probably been experiencing this unconsciously for years.
You are in a hard season maybe? You hear a song that speaks to your heart on the radio, and you find yourself singing it all the time. It is just as powerful when you sing it in the shower, off key, as when you first sang it in the car. It is because the words have life for your current season, and singing them over yourself is a way to connect with the Lord in your current season.
Make sense? I hope so, because this is a powerful tool in changing attitudes, mindsets, or strongholds and also growing fruit and gifts.
Beware however, because songs work in the opposite spirit too. Feeling depressed? Feeling drawn to depressing/moody music? The words you sing have the power to bring both life and death (Proverbs 18:21). What we say and sing has power in the spiritual realm. If you are not singing words that bring life and connection with the Holy spirit, then what spirit are you connecting with, feeding, encouraging, or agreeing with?
I am not exaggerating.
So what you are singing? Sing words over yourself that bring life, but you can also sing words over your family and situations you are encountering. It is all so powerful in the Spirit!
POWERFUL!
What song are you singing in your heart today? Take a look at what song has been on loop/stuck in your head. If you like what you hear yourself singing. Good job! Keep singing it. Don't like what you are singing. Ask the Lord for a new song in your mouth (Psalm 40:3).
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Making Me Believe pt 2
In my first post about the Lord Making Me Believe, I talked about how the Lord had begun to give me boldness to speak out in a corporate prayer meeting and how out of that place, I began to have a bit more confidence in my True identity before Him. You can't believe your True identity, until the lies you have been believing about yourself have been exposed.
It was the beginning of a journey with Him to learn how to truly believe what He says about me, and to therefore have confidence in the gifts He has given me. One gift I began to desire in that time was for an increase in boldness and Spiritual authority in my home.
Another way to say that is, I wanted to be a true door keeper in my home. It means I wanted to take active control in what came into my home, both physically and spiritually. As a mother, it was a priority to me to be able to hold the fort down defensively when Ken was out doing ministry. So I knew I needed discernment to see what the threats were, and weapons training so I could defend my home and those in my care.
How many of you know when your husband is in ministry or being effective in his calling, the enemy will often make a counterattack on the home front!?! I don't want to be defenseless when the battle is raging (one of my favorite songs)! I don't want to have to rely on my husband's discernment and spiritual authority alone. I need to be his partner in the battle, an armor bearer, a rear guard to what he is doing, with my own individual discernment and spiritual authority.
You might say I became aware of my lack of training in that time. You can't ask for something you think you already have. Although I believe the Lord does a good deal of protecting us in our immaturity, it is not His desire that we should remain immature forever, or rely always on others for our entire covering.
I will never forget a friend of mine who lived in the MorningStar building who told me that she could tell when there was a conference coming up at MorningStar. She said the chaos and disruption in her home increased on the front end, and during the days, of the conference being put on by MorningStar Ministries. She began to recognize when things seemed to be getting out of hand, she would look at the calendar and see it was a conference week, and begin to pray against the spiritual attack.
Then she would see the tide shift in her favor. Things would calm down and she could see a significant change in the atmosphere of her home just from her prayer. Nothing else had really changed, just her praying against spiritual attack.
That was an eye opening conversation I never forgot. This woman wasn't even going to the conferences, just her proximity to the location of the gathering was enough to make her a target. I was suddenly on alert. My husband was going to most of those conferences, and we are both intercessors. How much of a target were we making of ourselves and how much had I been walking around without my guard up, getting clobbered by, what I thought were, random circumstances?
So I began to desire Spiritual authority. I began to take seriously the idea that I could be as formidable a defense as my husband, and therefore I knew I needed training in my weapons of warfare.
Stay tuned for more of "Making Me Believe".
You might say I became aware of my lack of training in that time. You can't ask for something you think you already have. Although I believe the Lord does a good deal of protecting us in our immaturity, it is not His desire that we should remain immature forever, or rely always on others for our entire covering.
I will never forget a friend of mine who lived in the MorningStar building who told me that she could tell when there was a conference coming up at MorningStar. She said the chaos and disruption in her home increased on the front end, and during the days, of the conference being put on by MorningStar Ministries. She began to recognize when things seemed to be getting out of hand, she would look at the calendar and see it was a conference week, and begin to pray against the spiritual attack.
Then she would see the tide shift in her favor. Things would calm down and she could see a significant change in the atmosphere of her home just from her prayer. Nothing else had really changed, just her praying against spiritual attack.
That was an eye opening conversation I never forgot. This woman wasn't even going to the conferences, just her proximity to the location of the gathering was enough to make her a target. I was suddenly on alert. My husband was going to most of those conferences, and we are both intercessors. How much of a target were we making of ourselves and how much had I been walking around without my guard up, getting clobbered by, what I thought were, random circumstances?
So I began to desire Spiritual authority. I began to take seriously the idea that I could be as formidable a defense as my husband, and therefore I knew I needed training in my weapons of warfare.
Stay tuned for more of "Making Me Believe".
Friday, October 18, 2013
The Whine is Flowing
In the process of moving, our children handled the stress of it very well this time. I remember very well the crazy that was my life in the months leading up to the move from Kansas City to Charlotte. This move however, from Charlotte to Dallas, was much more tame to be sure.
What was the difference? Well, my oldest was older, and she was able to grasp the move and share in the excitement more. My excitement and her excitement seemed to have a contagious effect on the two younger ones.
I've also learned a lot more self control in the last year or so. To keep my kids calm and happy I had to find creative ways to keep myself calm and happy in the midst of transition. That is no small thing, people!
Third, we had a lot of notice about this move. Knowing a year in advance that you are going to make a cross country move is great for preparing mentally, physically and emotionally.
So this time was better in a lot of ways.
One side effect of the move, however, seems to be the letting down of a few of our standards in the time of transition and discovering how hard it has been to re-raise those standards once things have settled down.
One of our expectations for our children is that they will not harass us with whining.
Don't get me wrong. I don't mind them asking me for things, but not continually and not with an obnoxious voice or a negative attitude. Still, who am I kidding. We've never had great adherence to this standard in the past. Never 100% to be sure, or even close to 80%.
During the move, the percentage of whining skyrocketed, and I tried to have a lot of grace on my kids. They are young, they are in transition, and they just don't know what to do with themselves. So I had grace......during the move.
Now that we have arrived in Texas and settled in though, I realize that the whine is flowing a little too freely still. What I excused for so long as anxiety about the move, well, they just don't have the same excuses now.
So what is the deal?!? What is up with all the whining?!? What do I do now?
I was baffled on what to do, but I've been reading a book about homeschool, and it covers a lot of other great family training ideas not related to formal education. One of the things it strongly suggests (unrelated to the whining issue we are facing) is making your children a part of the chores that go on in the house, and making regular, one on one time with each of your children as individuals.
As a mom I have always heard those things taught as essentials, but never really known how to kick start it in my every day routine. Also, as a child I was never required to do chores, so I feel guilty, for some reason, to expect it from my own children. This book however gives such great practical ideas and makes it seem such a very realistic goal. Now suddenly, I want to start instituting these ideas into our lives. I want to make one-on-one time with my kids, and I want to teach them how to be more involved in the workings of our home. What I was unsure of how to do with one child, suddenly I am about to attempt with three children? Really, but I felt inspired to at least try it.
Ah, but the power of numbers! With each child I grow more and more confident, as a mother, to step out and try new things, trusting that the Lord has lead me well thus far, and will continue to do so. He gives me the confidence to make the changes that need to be made, and He gives grace to overcome the obstacles I encounter.
So just yesterday He gave me wisdom on how to incorporate both chore training and one-on-one time with my children, all with the goal of quenching the whine. For real, a three for one idea!
The plan.
Whenever one of my children comes to me with some whininess, I will immediately ask them to help me with whatever I am doing, or I give them something to do. Examples: If I am cooking dinner, suddenly they are helping me cook dinner. If I am sweeping the floor, suddenly they are picking things up for me to sweep under, etc. If I am playing on facebook, suddenly they will be assign a different, constructive task, and then I will help them do it (I can see I will not be on facebook much for a while, they love to whine when I'm on facebook).
At first I was like, "what a second Lord, they are gonna like that idea! They like working with me, so that won't be punishment for whining."
The Lord simply said, "it isn't meant to be a punishment, it is meant to be a redirection, and in the process, perhaps they will stop whining because a deeper need is being met by having that one on one time with you."
"Lord, you mean the whine might be a need for more of my attention in their day."
I felt the Lord smile. Then I realized, not only did the Lord just show me how to meet a deep heart need in my children, but I am training them in chores, and giving them quality one on one time, all while helping to curb the whine. It sounds good, it feels realistic for my schedule. Sure, it might be a pain to give up my facebook to show them how to scrub a toilet. Sure, I could probably cook dinner faster without their help, but building their self-worth and personal sense of responsibility in the family just might be worth the extra effort. A bit of extra investment today will be a big payoff later too. These are life skills, and alas, facebook can wait.
I love the way the Lord brings simple, and yet mind-blowing wisdom into the every day kinds of questions I have about mothering.
Be encouraged, He has an answer for your questions today too!
Side Note: I have only slightly started this new idea. Three days, seriously. I will post again on this subject in a few weeks. Hopefully to say it is going great and my kids are not whining and we are having lots of quality conversations while they help me around the house....or, I will say I've fallen off the wagon and admit to how things are really going with the plan. Either way, my plan is to be honest, and open about this process. New ideas are always a process, and there is always some tweaking to do. So I'll keep you posted. I am NOT supermom. I have bad days, and a period, and a dirty house, and sometimes I have all three at the same time. Just keeping it real.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Making Me Believe
My first 60 degree day here in Arlington Texas. It was a wonderful surprise to wake up to. After a fun morning with the family though, all I wanted to do was come home, curl up and take a nap (after 90's and higher, 60's feel cold). Alas, though, it is a challenging thing to get the whole house quiet on a Saturday afternoon.
So, I heard Ken downstairs making coffee and thought a good cup of tea would do my heart good too.
What goes better with a warm cup of tea than writing a blog where I expose the things that have been burning on my heart to......the world.
Well, at least the small part of the world who reads my blog.
Lately I have been thinking about the transformation that I have been going through in the last year or so. I guess the transformation started somewhere around Harvest Fest (a big conference at MorningStar Ministries) last year, 2012. I had recently had a new baby, and with the burden of pregnancy behind me, I was eager to press into the Lord again.
So that is just what I did, and I joined a women's intercession group at MorningStar to kick start my personal prayer times again. It was an intercession group of ladies who prayed about the women of MorningStar as well as the world.
In that place of corporate intercession with these ladies, quite quickly in fact, I began to feel stirred up by the Lord to pray out in the meetings. That was huge for me. I DO NOT LIKE praying in groups out loud. Yet, I would feel the Spirit so strongly on me, it was like I felt like I would explode if I didn't pray it out. Lines of a prayer would cycle through my mind over and over until I finally would pray it out loud. When I finally did open my mouth, the Lord would give me more. It would pour forth out of me like a river of thoughts and passionate cries.
When I would be obedient and pray out, I would tremble and pray and when I finally finished and would sit back down, I would feel the Spirit just wash over and over me again and again, like waves, calming my nerves and soothing my fears. Sometimes I would 'tremble' under the Spirit for the entire meeting. Don't be weirded out by that like I was at first, it really is Biblical.
Anyhow, I was always afraid to pray out loud. Terrified, in fact. And as soon as I was done, I would second guess everything I had just prayed. In those early months though, the Lord began to do something in my heart. He made me yearn for boldness, for authority, in prayer as well as in the rest of my life.
How many of you know when you feel yourself yearning for something so big, and so strong, and so crazy, and so seemingly far out of your reach (that is also a Biblical desire), it is often an invitation from the Lord to go on a journey with Him to get that thing for yourself?
That was the beginning of the journey. Praying out in the meetings, conquering a fear I had. What was the fear? Fear of man was probably a small part of it. It wasn't really that I was afraid to look stupid, though.
It was more about not knowing who I was. I did not feel worthy to pray out loud in front of other "more seasoned" intercessors. Who was I to take up their time with my words, with what my heart was feeling. My heart cries were powerful to me, and the Lord, but I didn't think I had anything to offer anyone else. I was convinced that my offerings, in more areas than just this, were far too small and insignificant to offer openly in the corporate body of Christ.
I can see now what a lie that was!
Learning that I have a voice, and that because I am a child of the Most High God, and He speaks to me, therefore I am qualified to have an opinion and I should have confidence to share that when I feel the Lord leading me to. That is where I started, and what began my journey to seeking out a God-given boldness, so that when I feel the Spirit moving, I can act on it with courage and confidence.
How many of you would like to operate in the body of Christ with some boldness? How many of you would like to believe the words the Lord says about you?
Boldness is a product of True identity.
I can see now, in hindsight, that the journey I have been on, was less about finding boldness in my public speaking skills, and more about learning who I truly am in the Lord. If we really know who we are, then we will move in the gifts that He has given to us with boldness and confidence.
I want to share with you some of those steps in my journey. Not as one who has attained it all and is now showing you the way, but as one who is still in the trenches of learning, but is further along than I was a year ago. I want to share it while it is still fresh, so I can paint as real of a picture as possible.
So stay tuned.....more coming on "Making Me Believe".
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| Photo by Biography Online |
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Trip to the Beach
My friends were shocked when they heard me tell this story of my trip to the beach last year. Not because of the comical elements but because I admitted that it was only my second time to the beach in my life.
We have lived only about 3 hrs from the beach for over two years now.
In that time, we have only gone to the beach this one time.
Here is the story.
My third child had just been born. My mother and my husband's step son came for a visit. In an attempt to come up with something fun, we decided to go to the beach and back again all in one day.
So we loaded up all the kids and adults and packed towels and all the necessities. Three hours and a bunch of crying/questioning kids later, we arrived at the beach.
The weather was perfect. Warm, but not too warm, with a slight breeze. Sunny sky with just a few clouds. The ocean was warm and the waves were moderate. Sigh. It was beautiful.
Then we realized that the newborn boy was not going in the water. So we took turns going out into the water with the girls, and leaving someone behind to sit with the boy. All was going well thus far.
We were only on the beach for two hours. So we were living it up. The husband and step son were out challenging the waves like men. The little girls were loving the shallows and sand.
In the very middle of that bliss, my newborn baby boy decided to have a bowel movement..... that he had been saving up for over 2 days.
It was an explosion!
He soiled everything. His diapers, clothes, car seat, blanket, etc.
My mother was anxious to help, but was a bit rusty on what to do in a poop explosion. My husband saw the mayhem, and exited the scene quickly. The girls were oblivious to the need.
It was I who attempted to clean the poop and sand out of his newborn cracks and creases. And when it was all cleaned up, I nursed him in the van, to calm him, while we both sweated like pigs.
By the time things were back to calm, it was nearly time to go, and then it struck us.
The only person with a change of clothes was newborn baby boy.
Here we were, all us covered in salt and sand, ready to pile back into the van without even a clean towel to wrap up in.
Ugh. What an oversight. Whoops.
Then, on the way home we suddenly realized we were all ravenous, but in no condition to enter a restaurant. In an act of desperation we pulled through the drive-thru of a Wendy's and had a bite to eat. As much as fast food disgusts me, I think that was the best chicken wrap sandwich I had ever had IN MY LIFE!
By the time we arrived home we were exhausted, but the fun wasn't over. We still had to shower and clean up before bed. The baby girls were bathed first and put to bed, and then the rest of us adults took turns cleaning up and nearly passed out from exhaustion.
That was our trip to the beach. We had a lot of fun. Learned a lot of things about what not to do when going to the beach, and look forward to doing it again........ someday.
We have lived only about 3 hrs from the beach for over two years now.
In that time, we have only gone to the beach this one time.
Here is the story.
My third child had just been born. My mother and my husband's step son came for a visit. In an attempt to come up with something fun, we decided to go to the beach and back again all in one day.
So we loaded up all the kids and adults and packed towels and all the necessities. Three hours and a bunch of crying/questioning kids later, we arrived at the beach.
The weather was perfect. Warm, but not too warm, with a slight breeze. Sunny sky with just a few clouds. The ocean was warm and the waves were moderate. Sigh. It was beautiful.
Then we realized that the newborn boy was not going in the water. So we took turns going out into the water with the girls, and leaving someone behind to sit with the boy. All was going well thus far.
We were only on the beach for two hours. So we were living it up. The husband and step son were out challenging the waves like men. The little girls were loving the shallows and sand.
In the very middle of that bliss, my newborn baby boy decided to have a bowel movement..... that he had been saving up for over 2 days.
It was an explosion!
He soiled everything. His diapers, clothes, car seat, blanket, etc.
My mother was anxious to help, but was a bit rusty on what to do in a poop explosion. My husband saw the mayhem, and exited the scene quickly. The girls were oblivious to the need.
It was I who attempted to clean the poop and sand out of his newborn cracks and creases. And when it was all cleaned up, I nursed him in the van, to calm him, while we both sweated like pigs.
By the time things were back to calm, it was nearly time to go, and then it struck us.
The only person with a change of clothes was newborn baby boy.
Here we were, all us covered in salt and sand, ready to pile back into the van without even a clean towel to wrap up in.
Ugh. What an oversight. Whoops.
Then, on the way home we suddenly realized we were all ravenous, but in no condition to enter a restaurant. In an act of desperation we pulled through the drive-thru of a Wendy's and had a bite to eat. As much as fast food disgusts me, I think that was the best chicken wrap sandwich I had ever had IN MY LIFE!
By the time we arrived home we were exhausted, but the fun wasn't over. We still had to shower and clean up before bed. The baby girls were bathed first and put to bed, and then the rest of us adults took turns cleaning up and nearly passed out from exhaustion.
That was our trip to the beach. We had a lot of fun. Learned a lot of things about what not to do when going to the beach, and look forward to doing it again........ someday.
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