Moving Out

We are moving out. Going to Texas.

However.

That is not what I am writing about today.

This is a story about my oldest daughter. She is so much like me in so many ways.

A few days ago we got in a disagreement over a toy. I said she needed to leave it outside, she insisted she should bring it in. I won, but she was so angry that she told me, "I am so angry with you it makes me not want to live here anymore." (she's 5, going on 15)

I said, "Oh yeah, where would you live?"

"Somewhere else," she states forcefully.

Then to her shock, I said, "okay, you can move out."

Suddenly the information sank in and ideas started firing rapidly in her brain.

"Okay mom, well then I will just go out and find a place and be back in a bit to get my stuff."

"Okay."

Then she walks to the back door, looks out, sees her new playhouse and says with rapid breath and near squealing, "I know mommy, I'll live in my playhouse."

I say okay again and then she is running upstairs to pack.

I sit at the computer looking at recipes for dinner when she comes back down with a small purse with underwear, and a few toys.

Then it dawns on her, where will she sleep?

She bursts into tears and says, "Mommy there is no bed, and where will I sleep?"

"I don't know," I say, but then the wheels are turning again. She will sleep in a chair she decides. So back upstairs to pack some bedding.

In a bit she comes back down with a lot of toys, some clothes, her swim suit, a bit of bedding, and every pair of shoes she owns (a true woman in the making). She begins to make a pile by the back door. Her 3 year old sister is moving in with her at this point. They are going to be 'housemates'.  So they are also packing her bedding and toys. The pile by the back door grows some more.

Then I open the door and she starts putting her stuff in the house. Casually, as I prepare dinner, I wonder aloud, "huh, I wonder what you will eat for dinner?"

She stops and looks at me in horror! The hysterics are on the verge of overflowing, "But mommy I don't have any money to buy food, and I......" the rest is unintelligible crying and blubbering.

I say calmly, "well, I can give you a bag of pretzels to hold you over until you can make it to the store."

She brightens, "thank you mommy" and goes back to moving into her new home.

Then, as I finish up dinner, she comes in crying again.

"Mommy, I just can't do it, everything won't fit and I..................I just really want to live with you again."

"Oh baby girl, I am so happy to hear that. I would love to have you live with me again."

And she melts into my arms weeping in relief.

Then from the back door I hear my younger daughter say, "Well I'm still moving out! I'm gonna live in the house 'S' gave us!"

So I say 'okay' and continue to love on my older girl, who has learned a good lesson about the realities of moving out (if even only on a small scale).

Then I say, "well then, lets have spaghetti" (my kids favorite meal), and suddenly my three year old is begging to move back in too.

Life lessons were learned, I am sure of it, and me? I got to enjoy the live entertainment for free. Kids, they are so much fun!

Some of you may ask how long I would have let the ruse go before insisting she move back in?

I would have let it go as far as it had to, even as far as her sleeping outside in her playhouse (supervised all night from the window of course). If the cramped quarters didn't do the trick, the massive amounts of mosquitos would have. Secretly I was praying it would rain, which would have sped up the process of discovery, but it didn't even take rain to drive her back to my arms. It only took the reality of all her possessions not fitting into her tiny new apartment. Ha! Such a girl.

So why would I let her think that she could move out? Because I believe in letting my kids practice being adults in as many ways as possible. To be sure, she had to think and use her brain a lot in the process of moving out, and realizing what it takes to live on her own, and so forth.

I want my home to be a safe place to practice learning these types of life lessons. It is not my job to control her and do all the thinking for her. She has a brain, and I know she uses it, so I knew in the long run (or short, in this case) that her brain would lead her to the logical conclusion that her plan was maybe not the best plan. I guarantee she is smarter now than when the process first began.

At the end, she was truly repentant for how she had spoken to me, she was suddenly more grateful for being allowed to live in my house and eat my food. It was also a great bonding moment. As I held her in my arms, I was able to tell her how glad I was that she was staying and how much I love living with her.

It was a beautiful/funny adventure.


How about you? Anyone got a funny story about a child who learns the value of a life lesson creatively? 

I have Mercy.

I have never thought of myself as being a overly merciful person. It isn't that I want judgement or death to befall people, not at all.

I had always just thought of myself as one who stood up for Justice more than Mercy.

As a Christian, I had never really made that statement out loud before, always just believing it, never really thinking about it.  Otherwise I would have realized the error in it much sooner.

Those two are not in contradiction to one another. With Justice there can be Mercy, and with Mercy, Justice can still be upheld.

It isn't one or the other, it is both/and.

So, back to my false mindset. By the way, another word for a false mindset is.......stronghold. I discovered this stronghold when I was talking with my husband. I had taken a personality test and it asked a very interesting question. It asked:

Do you tend to lean toward Justice or Mercy?

I know myself to be a rule keeper/rule maker, so I picked Justice, even though I know in my head I love Mercy too.

Then my husband said that you can't have Justice without Mercy - and vice versa. The Lord is a 'Just' God, and He is full of 'Mercy'. The Old Testament is full of examples of these two.

So, it got me to thinking and I asked the Lord. Am I really merciful?

Apparently I didn't think too hard about it though, because I quickly forgot that I had asked the Lord that question. Until He answered my question.

Over three months after taking that first personality test my husband offers for me to take a Spiritual Giftings test. Like a personality test, but focused on what your Spiritual gifts are.

I was shocked to find myself fitting very much into the Mercy gift, as well as the Giver gift. It was a shock because I had already, unconsciously, written myself off as 'not overly merciful'. Remember, strongholds are hard to move because someone strong holds them, I decided that the test must be wrong and that I was really only a Giver.

Then today, as I talked with the Lord randomly about something else before a meeting I was attending, I heard the Lord say, "you have Mercy."

I thought I must have heard wrong.

"You have mercy, why do you doubt it?" I heard the Lord say again.

I threw up several examples of times I had not shown mercy to my children/husband/family.

His response - He reminded me of several examples where I had shown great mercy to complete strangers.

I said, "Well, I am merciful to strangers, but not to my family. The way that I am to my family is really how I am."

I heard the Lord say 'No.'

He showed me that I am capable of great mercy toward people, even going out of my way to extend mercy to friends and people in need. I will share my 'dirty laundry' with almost anyone, if I am able to show them that there is hope for themselves.

So I asked the Lord why I am not always that way with my family. He said, "It is simply an area of weakness and immaturity."

That was profound. It isn't that I lack mercy at all! I have lots of mercy, and I know how to show it, I just struggle sometimes to show it to those nearest to me.

It isn't even that I am terribly unmerciful to my family. I am very merciful, but I had somehow locked in on to the few times that I have been obviously unmerciful and put those memories on repeat, until the point that I believed that I was not a merciful person.

What a lie of the enemy! What a stronghold!

Why is it that we take the 10% of our life experience and let it be the rule instead of the exception.

For example: I once was in a group of women, and one woman out of five didn't like me. I was so rocked by that one woman not liking me. I was so worried for a while that I was not really a likable person. I believed that one lady's opinion of me over the other 4 in the group, and over the opinion of my dozens of other friends.

Why is that? I don't know, but I do know this. It is a lie, and if we choose to believe it, then it can become a stronghold. My stronghold was to the point that I didn't really believe that I was a merciful person. When in fact, that is where I placed highest on the Spiritual gifts test!

Isn't that just like the enemy. Trying to blind me to one of my most natural gifts. Now that I am aware, I have taken it into my head and my hand, that mercy will be a new weapon that I will learn to hone for the Glory of the Lord.

So Lord, teach me to wield it against the lies of the enemy for the sake of those I encounter; not only to strangers, but to those most nearest and dearest to me. Amen!

Emotions pt. 1

I like to think of myself as a person who values open communication. I want to be someone that other people can talk to, and they can show me the real 'them' without fear of rejection. I am not afraid of 'messy' emotions or hard words.

I like to cultivate friendships where people can be truly candid with me, and I always try to provide a safe place for 'realness'. It is because I, myself, like to speak plainly. I like to open myself up in safe circles and show people the real me.

It was not always that way though.

First off, my emotions are a big part of the real me. I'm a woman. Enough said.

However, I remember a time when I use to be embarrassed by my emotions. I was afraid to show people the real me. I was certain that they couldn't and wouldn't be able to handle the real me. It was a very troubling place. I was constantly second guessing myself.

In one sense, I had this deep longing to know people, and in turn, to be known by them. I wanted that deep heart connection.

In the next moment though, I was terrified that if I did allow myself to go deep, to really open myself up, that they would dislike me. Reject me. Because emotions are messy. Could they really handle all of me?

These lies were spawned in my early pre-teen years (unintentionally, I'm sure). They were further enforced by a series of unfortunate friendships in High School.

By the time I was an adult, I was a crazy mix of wanting to be known, but then, terrified to be truly known.

Somehow in that state I got married, and the Lord blessed me with a wonderful husband. Then came the real test. The real me became evident to my husband. I let me emotions out. A lot.

My poor husband was shocked to some extent, I am sure. I was probably nothing like the woman he thought he had married. What happen to that cool, laid back, exciting woman he had dated?

She was a shell; that which I was willing to show him and others, to hide the real, messy me.

To be fair, those first few years of marriage were.......interesting, in more than one way, as any newly wed could probably verify.

Then came the move. Across country. To a new place.

It was in that new place that the Lord began to reach out to me, and I, in turn, reached out to Him at a new level. I began to trust the Lord at a new level. Then it happened. I began to let the real me out of the box..... in more public places.

The first time this happened (that I can recall) was at a new small group we had started to attend. All began well. Everyone was giving their friendly and interesting stories about how they had come to be a part of our church community.

Then it was my turn to share......

Stay tunes for part 2 of Emotions

Nine Month Woes

My son is now 9 months old, and I feel like I have never prayed so much in my life. You would think by my third child that I would be more relaxed, but sometimes I am not.

He is my first boy, maybe that is why I am still so uptight. Everything I thought I learned and knew with the my first two girls, I am now second guessing with my first boy.

From the get go, I could tell he was hard wired different than my girls. His crying was less dramatic, more to the point, easier to decipher his needs from. Unlike my girls crying, which sounded almost the same for hungry or in fear for their very lives. Girls = more drama. Figured that one out quick.

Yet he is just different in so many other ways. I can't even put my finger on it, but I find I am more stressed about how to parent him. So I pray.

One of my most common prayers recently has been for him to poop. He seems to have either a very slow digestive system or a very efficient digestive system. He just doesn't seem to have to go that often. Now that I have introduced solids, it seems even more nerve wracking as I wait for his poops.

Yet he has only been constipated once so far, the rest have been mostly normal. So what is my deal?

Still, I find prayer helps, at least where my nerves are concerned. I don't have the answers after all. I can't look inside his belly to see if he really needs to poop. I can't even make him poop. So I pray, and trust the Lord, and He gives me peace.

My next group of prayers for baby boy have been about his crawling. He's almost 10 months and not crawling. My girls were crawling by now, but baby boy, he is more chill than you know!  I joke, however, that he has three mothers, me and my two daughters. Why would he ever need to crawl, they attend to his every need.

Toy too far away.......let me get that for you.

Tired and ready for a nap...........let me go find mom for you.

Want to look out the window and frustrated...............never mind, let me entertain you with my antics.

The flow of love toward him is almost never ending.

Yet I still pray. Just in case. The doctor says he is fine and strong and all that. All the websites I read say he is still within the normal range for crawling. He just isn't like my girls were, so I scrutinize, and wonder and pray.

Thankfully the Lord just reminded me today that the doctor said that his head is in the 95th percentile while his body weight and length is only the 25th percentile. To me that says, big head, little body. Maybe the poor thing has to grow into his head a bit more before he can learn to maneuver his whole body around.

Whatever the reason, the Lord has been giving me peace on that front too.

So there you have it. What a mom with a nine month old prays about. I pray about a lot of other stuff too. Things much bigger than my home life, but there is something nice in praying for the small, everyday kinds of things. The Lord is a lover of the small as much as the big.  I can pray for the one while not neglecting the other, and you know what, He is always faithful to answer even my most silliest questions/petitions.

What kinds of small things are you praying about today? Nothing is too big or too small for the God of all Creation. So make your request known.

PS. Took me three months to post this. Baby boy is 12 months now and crawling great. He is starting to poop more too.  The Lord is merciful and kind to those of us who call on His name.

Cottage Gardens

Today I stepped outside of the box, as I got dressed this morning. I wore a coral colored skirt with a raspberry and orange shirt. It may not sound too daring to you, but it was a huge 'risk' for me who is more comfortable with predictable, orderly things.

My style for so long had been just that.......predictable, orderly, matching, formulated.

Example of a formal garden design.

Since I can remember I have always matched colors to the same color or neutral colors. Red skirt can go with a white/cream colored shirt, or a pink colored shirt but only if the pink colored shirt has the same shade of red in it somewhere.

In my gardens I always followed plans and guides. I would look at the way other designers laid out beds and learned their formulas and then reproduced them. I may have used different plants, but the same idea was just repeated and reused over and over.

Then, in my home, I would always pick neutral items, always wanting everything to 'flow' and 'go together'. The few pieces I owned that could be considered 'eye catching' were always only purchased when I had a blueprint of another house to inspire me. I looked at that inspirational house, figured out how to formulate/reproduce it in my own, and therefore, never created anything too daring.

That was where I felt comfortable. That was safe.

So you may find it funny that I love (have always loved)...............cottage gardens, crazy bohemian clothing styles, and eclectic style home furnishings.

Those three don't go with structure or order, and they break all the rules! Yet I love the way those things look. I love the riot of colors and textures!. They are vibrant and alive and they make my heart happy to look at them.

Colorful, yet still very formal garden design.

So when I was younger I use to try and study art like that....abstract/surreal, contemporary, modern. All those colors and textures drew me in. Things that had no order to them, and yet were beautiful. Then I would sit there and try to figure out a formula to reproduce it. Ha!

My point is, that I appreciated the beauty that comes from a lack of order/structure, but I didn't know how to live there myself.

Then I met a friend, Rachel Myers, who naturally did what I could not. Her clothing style was bohemian mixed with whatever she thought looked nice that day. Her gardens were always a menagerie of colors, varieties, and she even mixed veggies and flowers (oh, what a rule breaker, hahaha), and even her home furnishings were so free and creative, yet functional.

I looked and watched and appreciated her so much for those things. She taught me a lot about what my own limitations were. We would go flower shopping together and she would pick orange, red and yellow with pastel purples and yellow. I would say, 'no, you can't mix those colors' and she would say, 'why not', and I couldn't answer her.

Why not?

That simple question is what I ask myself all the time now. When I want to think, create, and live outside the 'box' of rules to make something new and beautiful, then I ask myself that question.
Why not?

For so long the reason 'why not' was because I was too afraid to try something new, take a risk, or let my natural instincts have a chance. Because maybe my natural instincts weren't right......

No! I chose now not to believe that now.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made......including my natural inclinations toward art, beauty, and nature.

Cottage garden....no boundaries.

So now, when I feel that thing rise up in me, that thing that says I can't do something, then that only tells me that it is something that is probably worth doing.

Like wearing whatever creative, vibrant colors I want to wear. Or planting whatever flowers I want to plant together. Or picking out that teal colored lamp for my living room that is decorated in reds and browns.

As I step out more and more, I am finding that my true style is more like the things I have always loved and admired.

Abstract. Bohemian. Eclectic. Cottage.

I was locked inside of a box made of fears. Fears of breaking 'rules', fears of taking a risk in mixing colors and textures, and fears of what other people might think about me if I were to really step out and show the way I really 'feel' through my sense of style.

I am finding that I have always been a lover of rainbows of colors, but had relegated myself to only the use of browns and grays  Here is to stepping out, taking a few style risks, and loving the real me all the more for the journey!

Step out and learn how much fun it can be to color outside the lines!

Cottage style garden....a riot of colors,
textures and forms!

One Mom, Loving God

I have been following hard after the Lord for almost 6 years. People who have known me longer, would say that I have been committed to the Lord longer than that, but I don't really start counting until after I truly decided to lay down all my own desires to press in to the Lord.

It was only about 6 years ago that I, for the first time, became desperate for more and more of Him. Nothing else would do in that season. I had been removed from all that was safe and familiar, and I had nothing else to fall back on. I knew the Lord was real, but for the first time, I really needed Him. Had to have Him! If I was going to survive.

And you know what?

I found Him. Or rather, He found me, and I began the process of giving Him everything. I'm obviously still in that processes, but I am astounded at how much has been accomplished in my heart in 5 years. He is a miracle worker, in more ways than just the obvious.

What the Lord accomplishes in the unseen realm is much more impressive than all the outward miracles. Only He can fully change and transform a heart/motives/desires/personality.

Okay, but that is not where I am going with this.

My point is, five years into this process of transformation, and my heart is so in love with my Creator, that some days I hardly know what to do with myself. Some days, I talk to Him so often, that it is just like talking with a friend all day. Only I ask Him all the hard questions, and press Him for the answers again and again.

He is faithful to answer too, and I can almost hear His fatherly tone sometimes when I hear His voice in my head. The kinds of things He tells me, the kinds of things He shows me, make me feel giddy inside. Not only because the things are awesome in and of themselves, but because the God of the Universe just made some mystery known to me.

He is talking to me.

What a concept.

I always used to hear spiritual people in churches talk about the Lord and they would say He was their friend, but I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know how someone could actually be friends with the God of Creation.

Now I do. Well sort of. I can't explain exactly what it feels like, but He is, and we are, friends.

Yet lately I have been getting frustrated with the way He makes me feel. He talks to me, and I feel His presence.  He reveals the meaning of scriptures to me in a personal way and He answers my questions. I see His hand moving in my life, and He provides for my family so faithfully, but I don't know how to respond.

I can feel His love some days burning inside of me like a fire. Sometimes words that He has spoken to my heart burn inside of me, but I don't know what to do with them. Other times, He shows me something in the Spirit, but I don't feel adequate enough to paint the picture or even describe it with words. Then there are times where He gives me revelation on something, but I have no one to tell. No one that would even understand what I am talking about, because there is so much more wrapped up in the idea than could ever be explained.

Does any of this make sense to anyone else?

Am I losing it?

I hope someone can relate. You know who I think I might be able to relate to. Elijah. With that fire shut up in his bones. Yet for me, it is perhaps more like 'firey love' shut up in my bones.

How to get this love out? That is the question.

Where do I put it all? It's more than I know what to do with. Who can I pour it into? Is there even a way to fully express what He is giving to me to give?

I'm not sure, but I love the way He is loving me in this season. There is such a sweetness on my days. I can hardly comprehend what it is all about, but when I lay my head on my pillow at the end of the day, there is a lingering sweetness to it, and I look to the coming day with confidence, that my God is with me.

We are friends.

Friendships are like Gold

When I moved to South Carolina almost two years ago, one of my biggest prayers was for deep and meaningful friendships with other women. I knew that would happen eventually, but I wanted it quick, because I knew I would need that "iron sharpening iron" thing happening in my life. Mom's are some of the best iron to sharpen other moms.

So I prayed for deep friendships to be made quickly, and I had a hope for a supernatural provision from the Lord concerning the request.

Oh, and did He ever provide!!!

The odds were stacked against me. We attended MorningStar Fellowship Church the last Sunday in June, before they took the whole month of July off for a church wide Sabbath month (by the way, I think that is such a cool thing for a church to do). One Sunday to make a few new friends, before the church shut down for a whole month. Wow. The Lord is awesome.

He did it!

That first Sunday my husband introduced me to two men he had met in his previous visits to MorningStar. They both had wives. That is not where the Lord stopped though. That same Sunday, in the nursery where I dropped my daughter off, I met a third woman. Another mom with a little boy in the nursery and a Tuesday mom's coffee group that met at her house weekly.

It was perfect! That mom, her name is Bree, turned out to be a real 'gatherer'! You know, one of those women who just naturally attracts people to her. She in turn, connects people with other people, while encouraging and literally breathing hospitality to all she meets. She might blush if she read this, but it's true Bree, you are amazing! God used you in a mighty way in my life, to fill a need that I had no idea how to fill.

So, that first Sunday, Bree gave me her cell phone number in the nursery and the rest is history.

However, I did have to do my small part. Miracles happen, but not inside a vacuum. I had prayed for the Lord to help me make friends, but I still had to step out. I went to coffee at a woman's house I barely knew, to meet other moms.

Out of my comfort zone? For sure.

Was it great? Yes.

That next Tuesday I met a small group of moms and to this day, those moms are still some of my dearest friends here. In fact, they are some of the dearest friends that I have ever had in my whole life. That is saying a lot, I'm almost 30 years old.

So it really was a miracle! Especially when I consider the depth of our relationships, which has been accomplished in such a short amount of time (two years).

Yet now we are moving again.

Part of me is crushed. It will be a very big sacrifice to give up living my life with these friends. I am not one of those people who walks into a new season blindly. I am always acutely aware of what I am sacrificing (what it will cost) to move in obedience to the Lord's voice. Sometimes it is a job, sometimes it is friends, sometimes it is a house I really like, sometimes it is a church I really like. I have given up all of those things before, and now I am giving up some of those things again.

Is He worth it?

I already know He is. Yet in the midst of my last big move the Lord taught me something. When you are so connected to someone, it is painful to move away from them. It is okay to be sad, and miss them terribly. There is no sin in loving your friends well, and the truest friends last, no matter how far away you move.

To all my friends, both in Kansas City and Charlotte.......I love you all so dearly.

With all my love. I wanted to honor you all for what you have been to me. Iron. Encouragement. Strength  Wisdom. Entertainment. Laughter. Real Life Love.

Now if you would all pray with me, that the Lord would raise up additional women, who will step in, and meet me where I am, in Texas. Supernatural friendships, relationships, and spiritual mothers, that would be raised up to strengthen me in this new season.